Thank You Dee.....

This morning I woke up feeling blessed and extremely grateful as I reached a new mile marker on the road to recovery. Today is the first time that I have had 16 months clean and sober since 1984. I'm not bragging, because I didn't do it. I couldn't. Nothing short of the grace and power of God could give me the ability to stay away from that first drink and drug. Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord, and He was surely correct. Only a spiritual solution ever worked to keep me sober.

But moments after I got up- feeling so grateful I saw something that saddened me. From some posts I saw on Facebook I deduced that a friend of mine had died. When I went to a noon meeting, another good friend confirmed the news. My friend Dee went to be with her Creator. While this is wonderful for her (she'd been fighting cancer for over a year and is now free from that pain), the part of me that remains selfish and self-centered ached. I hate that she's gone. Maybe now she knows exactly how much she means to me and how grateful I am for her. I couldn't express that gratitude to my satisfaction while she was alive.

I thank God for Dee. She supported me more than anyone I can think of when I first walked into the rooms. She grabbed me by the hand and drug me to my first sponsor. She spent hours with me sitting on her couch, talking and watching TV so that I'd have a safe place to hang while I white knuckled the early days of sobriety. She was the common factor in my getting to know one of my best friends and future sponsees. I spent several nights on her couch when I felt afraid that if I stayed home alone I would not be sober by morning. I did step work with my spiritual adviser at her house and did my first fourth step on that couch I mentioned. More than once, Dee was the instrument God used to keep me from going back out. She fought for me, and when I found recovery, she sent newcomers my way so that I'd have someone to help. You can't keep what you don't give away.

I love Dee, and I feel she helped God save my life. I knew this day was coming, but it still hurts in that selfish little corner of my heart. I'm going to miss her. But the part of me that is not selfish and self-centered rejoices for my friend. She ran her race. She died sober, even after a long battle with a painful illness. She's totally and completely free. She will be quoted and used to inspire people in her home group for years to come I'm sure. Way to go Dee! You won! You did it! I owe you so much that I can only repay by folowing your example and helping those who walk through the doors. Living a life of service to the alcoholic and addict is not easy, and it won't bring riches or glory. But it will bring love and keep me sober. How do I know? I saw it in Dee's life.

Don't Strive, Surrender

I've been thinking about several things that I read this morning. I read several different daily "meditations," and I usually agree and get a lot out of them. Obviously if I have a daily reading source that I disagree with a lot, I stop using it. But this morning, I had the interesting experience of agreeing at first, and then almost vehemently disagreeing as I mulled over and chewed on what I'd read.

"'If thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.' The eye of the soul is the will. If your will is to do the will of God, to serve Him with your life, to serve Him by helping others, then truly shall your whole body be full of light. The important thing is to strive to attune your will to the will of God, a single eye to God's purpose, desiring nothing less than His purposes be fulfilled. Try to seek in all things the advance of His kingdom, seek the spiritual values of honesty and purity, unselfishness and love, and earnestly desire spiritual growth. Then your life will emerge from the darkness of futility into the light of victory."

That is one of the meditations I read this morning, and as I stated earlier, I agreed at first. It looks good and right from the surface. But maybe by spending some time really thinking about what it says and the implications I "tested" the spirit of the writing and found it to be untrue. "The important thing is to strive to attune your will to the will of God, a single eye to God's purpose, desiring nothing less than His purposes be fulfilled. Try to seek in all things the advance of His kingdom, seek the spiritual values of honesty and purity, unselfishness and love, and earnestly desire spiritual growth." This is where I see a problem.

I don't believe it is spiritually sound for me to strive to align my will with God's. For one thing, Step 10 promises say that by this time I have ceased fighting ANYTHING OR ANYONE. Striving to align my will with God's is a fight. I am fighting against my old nature to try to do what I know is right. It sounds like a good idea, but it is still fighting, so something must be off. So I thought about is some more and realized that for me to strive to align my will with God's implies that I can do that. I can't. If I could change my will and simply align my will with God's I would not need Christ. By trying to do that myself, I am trying to control something I can not control (and have no business trying to control if I have done a true Step 3 and turned my will and my life over to the care of God).

That's just it. I am not to strive to be good or right or align my will. I am to turn my will over to the care of God. Quite simply, my striving won't make me a good person. Been there; failed at that. But my laying my will on the altar and allowing it to be put to death gets me out of the way of my High Priest. It creates a void in me where God can then place His will within me. I don't have to fight or strive. I simply have to surrender. Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord.

Anytime I look at a spiritual idea as though there is something I can do under my own power to get closer to God or to walk with Him, I am heading of the path and onto a slippery slope that can only lead to destruction. If I strive to align my will to God's, it won't be long before my selfish will decides it has a better idea than my Creator has for me. But if I give my will to God, then He gives me the power and desire, by grace, to do His will. A subtle but important distinction.

Pursue God Before Trouble Starts

I have been thinking that I need to update my blog, but then I feel like I don't have anything to say or I get distracted. I have slipped into "I'll do it later" mode, which is not good for me. Things get away from me when I do that. A couple of I'll update my blog laters and it's been over two months. How did that happen? Procrastination.

Procrastination is not good for me. It makes life so much harder, but most importantly it makes it easy for me to get lazy and let things slide. Oh I don't need to pray right now, I can do that later. Right now I want to.........When I begin putting off the things I know I need to do because I don't really want to do them at that moment or because there is something else I'd rather do, then I have taken my will and life back from God. I am failing at step three. It means that in little ways I have begun running the show and calling the shots again. And that is a quick way for me to start messing up.

I can't allow things in my life to slide until I begin to struggle in areas that I have already been given victory over. It's so important for me to pursue God with a passion that rivals the desperation of a drowning man. I have lost my sense of urgency, and that bothers me. I am not sure exactly how that happened, but I thank God, that I began to see and sense this loss of urgency before I got off the road and started trying to make my own path through the wilderness of life.

Seek first the kingdom of God and the other things will be added to you, but I can't get so comfortable with the other things that I stop seeking. What's great is seeing this, I am not down on myself or beating myself up. I am simply seeing the need to cry out Lord, make me desperate for You. Also I am grateful that I see the direction things have been sliding before a real problem exists. In times past, putting off my relationship with God in the slightest way would have me full blown out of control running on self-will and drunk or high in little to no time at all. Now I am feeling the need to draw closer to Him, before I ever think of a drink, and long before I turn away.

Because I haven't turned away. I have continued to pray daily. I spent the weekend with my wife's family (including her father, who I hadn't spoken to since he made it clear that he'd rather I not have a relationship with his daughter over a year ago) and leaned on God heavily to prepare my heart for the time, and to guard my attitude while there. The trip went well, and I am grateful for it. I have continued to try to do the next right thing, to practice patience, love and tolerance. No, I have not completely neglected anything. What I am talking about is a simple change in desperation. In a few little areas I have put things off, I have begun to go through the motions. I don't want that for my life. I want to live, not merely exist. I can't have that life worth living while coasting. I have to run, to pursue, to strive toward relationship and service. God, I thank You for helping me to see where I am weaving my way across thin ice before it even begins to crack. Make me desperate for you before the crisis, so that the crisis can be avoided and I don't turn you into a 911 God again.

Still In Need Of A Savior

This morning I got up and read a few different things as part of my morning meditations, including a new to me blog on recovery that focused on morning actions. The entry hit my where I've been living. In fact, I spoke on the subject to the man I am working with slash for yesterday and found out that we share similar views and opinions.

One of my character defects is that I am an illogical idiot. OK, that's not rigorous honesty and a bit generalized, but it's how I feel sometimes. It's somewhat how I've been feeling this week, which has been wonderful in many ways, but quite difficult in others. The reason for the difficulty is one of the many ways that I make absolutely no sense, even to myself.

I know from past experience that if I get up about an hour or so before I have to leave in the morning, go outside and smoke my pipe while enjoying the beauty of God's morning nature show and spend some time in prayer and praise and meditation before I do anything else that I feel better throughout my day. When I do this, my attitude toward people, work, life in general is better. When I do this, it is easier for me to go through the day conscious of living in such a way that my life and will has been turned over to the care of God, and things just don't get to me as much as otherwise.

On the other hand, when I sleep in and just get up and go at the last minute, I actually feel less rested. In fact, I usually feel rushed the rest of the day. My attitude regresses to at least partly self-will run riot and I find myself overly critical of others and sensitive throughout the day. Basically when I don't start my day with God and serenity, I have a much harder time finding those connections later as the day goes on.

And yet, all week long I found myself practicing my character defect of laziness and being a sluggard and hitting that blasted snooze button. I averaged about nine snooze resets a morning rather than getting up. I barely made it to work on time. While I prayed and praised on the ride to work, those ten minutes (feeling rushed and late at the time) just aren't the same as relaxing at home with God. I'd find myself griping more and fighting with circumstances and inanimate objects. I'd have to constantly check myself for the answer to whose will was I running on, God's or mine, and then having to adjust to try to get back to where I needed to be. I want to run of God's will, not mine, but when I rush through my morning and exercise my will not to get up and start my day the way that I know I need to in order to fuel up for the day spiritually, I am starting from the hole. For one thing, it's hard to stay in God's will for the day when the first 30 minutes to an hour are spent fighting it. Then I would say to myself, you know better and you know why you feel this way, tomorrow you need to get up and start your day right. The next day? I hit the snooze button repeatedly.

How messed up is that? I want my day to go the way it does when I start it off with God. When I get up and spend that time with my Creator, I love it. I enjoy that time so much and enjoy my day better. Time and time again, experienced has shown this to be true. And yet, when that alarm goes off, my self will rises from the grave and says, "No, I don't want to get up yet, I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything but lay here and feel sorry for myself because of how stiff and sore I feel and dread how worse I'll feel at work." Never mind that getting up and working actually erase the soreness much more quickly than laying in bed thinking about it and feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity has never actually brought me relief in any area, still I love to pull it out and try it over and over again.

SO why do I struggle so much with this? Because I am a selfish and self centered man who is much less so than in the past, but still not even close to the perfect death to self required to truly be like Him who lived His life truly and completely surrendered to the will of the Father. Paul put it this way, "That which I would do I do not, and that which I would not do, that I do." Basically, I am still am man in need of a savior. The key lies in being willing to see those areas and work the seventh step when I do, praying and meaning "God, I am willing that you now have all of me, the good and the bad. Remove from me every defect of character (every area of self will in my life) that would keep me from being of service to You and others. May I do Your will always." Then I have to get out of the way and let God direct my day and not my feelings. Today, I got up, even though I didn't have to work. I started my day the way I know is better, even though my feelings still said, "c'mon I just want to stay in bed a while longer. And already I feel better. The last day of the week has started better than the others. Progress.

Recipe For Relapse Preventionn

Believe that God can and will if He is sought. Add to that belief goodness by continuing to simply do the next right thing. Add to goodness knowledge and understanding. Add to knowledge brotherly kindness by cleaning up my side of the street and being of service. Add to brotherly kindness love...let love be the mark I measure every choice against, let it be my motivation and purpose. If this is how I live I will not fail or lack what I need to be of maximum service to God and others. Be sure to truly surrender and turn over my life and will to the care of God, for if I (or anyone else for that matter) do these things I will never stumble, never slip, never relapse. The above is a summary of II Peter 1:1-11 as applied to the addiction of self centeredness and all resulting addictions and bondage caused by obsession of self will. May grace and peace abound to you in the knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.

Getting Out Of The Way

"Hot on the trail of God's will, and getting warmer still. Got it together this time around. There's nothing to stop you now.

"Stopped by the slam of a door. God, what'd You do that for? Sometimes we just don't understand how He wants to let us in.

"When God closes a door, look for a window, oh look for a window. Don't stand at the door, there might be a window. Oh look for a window.

"Responsibilities change, and so do our pathways. One way God shows which way to go is to let the old road close...

"There's no point in getting down on yourself. God is only pointing you somewhere else."

The above are the lyrics to a song by Dallas Holm that ran through my mind most of the night last night. For a while now I have struggled with disappointment and attempting to delay what was becoming more and more clearly inevitable. I had already accepted things the way they were, or so I thought. I applied for work, knowing that as soon as that work was found, I would have to put my business, my dreams, on hold yet again, perhaps permanently. But I held off on the announcement and continued to take on the occasional customer. Fighting the shut down. The truth is that it became obvious to me last night that I had not accepted things at all.

When I am in the right place with God, totally surrendered to His will and direction for my life and my recovery is on track, then I find that I no longer struggle. No, I don't mean that things don't still go wrong or that life doesn't happen. I mean I don't fight my circumstances. I cease fighting anything and anyone. So the constant struggle within and without to hang on to my dream, to go out kicking and screaming if I had to go out, should have been my first clue that I had begun to run on self-will in this area in my life. I even began to compromise certain principles in order to try to make things work. When it comes to what you know is right, compromise is not a good thing. I told myself I couldn't do this or that because...but when I am honest with myself, that because was simply fear. A being driven, motivated and/or controlled by fear is another sign God gives me to enable me to see where I am running on self-will rather than His will.

Am I disappointed? Yes. At first, I tried to fight that emotion. I've been fighting against, trying to squash it and deny it for a while now, as I slowly saw where the situation was headed. I know that when I am disappointed, it means something didn't go or isn't going my way. I didn't get what I wanted. Since the most important principle in my life today is that God is the principle, and I am simply His agent, I know that my way doesn't really matter. I didn't want to be upset about not getting my way, because that means that I am not where I need to be on the most important factor in my life....there is a God, and I'm not Him.

But trying to ignore my disappointment or crush it doesn't change that I didn't get my way. I didn't. But last night, as the song above ran on repeat on my mental jukebox, I realized that I don't have to fight that either. God gave me the talents and gifts that inspired the dream. It's only natural that I am reluctant to let it go. I don't have to fight that. I don't have to fix it. I simply have to see it for what it is. I have a desire that God has decided that the time is not right for. It's ok to want what I want as long as I want what He wants more.

I know that if I follow His lead and direction than He will either take me to the place where when the dream comes true it is even better than if I had been able to make it work now. And that He will receive the glory for it. And I also know that if this is not a temporary delay, as I hope that it is, then He has something even better in store for me, that once again will bring Him glory and will fill my life with more purpose, satisfaction and serenity than having what I want now could ever bring.

So, I took a deep breath, practiced acceptance, ignored my fear and trusted God to catch me and care for me. I did what made it real, so that I couldn't fight it or run from it any longer. I closed the doors on my business and said Ok God, I won't fight You on this any more. I know that my happiness, my joy, my freedom, and my serenity is not based on any outside situation, such as doing what I want and love for a living. I know that my significance and value is not set by what I do but rather by my relationship with Him who created me.

This morning I have less fear and disappointment, but they are there. Still, I know that if I look for what God would have me do this minute and this minute only, they will fade even more. Eventually they will be destroyed. I trust that God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper, to live, and that His plan is better and more satisfying than anything that I could design. It might even include my own personal dreams, but for now, that's not important. The important thing is that I am getting out of His way so that He can give me everything that He wants to. Regardless of the outcome I believe that will be worth more than anything my selfish heart could ever desire. I am grateful.

I Shouldn't Be Sober

Recently I burnt some trash and had one of those experiences that I’m sure anyone who has had burn piles or gatherings around a bonfire has known. The wind picked up and then seemed to follow me wherever I went. When I got away from the fire the wind seemed to come from one steady direction. But whenever I got close to the flame, the smoke seemed to actively seek me out. It followed me around the fire as I moved to avoid it. The heat of the flame effected the air currents, and I could not predict which way it would shift next. I had only a guess as to which way to move to find a moment of relief before the winds shifted and the smoke found me again, making my eyes water and choking me.

Lately my life has felt much like the burn pile experience. Oh I am talking about it being rubbish that needed to be burnt up or that I feel like my dreams are once more being reduced to ash or anything like that. No, the truth is the last couple of weeks have been amazing and great for more reasons than I can mention. I am richly and truly blessed. In so many ways my life is better than it has ever been.

I have moved and am now in a place where there is less pressure and that Leah loves (at least in some ways). The trip to San Antonio so that Leah could watch her son graduate from Air Force basic training went so much better than I even hoped it would. I loved seeing the joy on Leah’s face from being able to spend time with her son and being able to express her love for him and feel his for her. I spent some wonderful time with Leah on that trip, visited for a few hours with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (a quite pleasant experience….I’m blessed with an amazing mother-in-law that I love and who, for reasons only God knows, doesn’t feel her daughter married disgustingly below herself as I often feel), I had the blessing of being able to eat lunch with my new (I still consider myself a newlywed) step-son and his fiancé (a true blessing indeed…he has a good father who loves him and who he loves, so I felt especially grateful for being included and given the opportunity to get to know him), and I could go on about several other blessings from that trip. A week later and another trip provided more visiting time with Leah on the road (get the idea that I enjoy traveling, especially with Leah?) and a wonderfully amazing day with her and her daughter. Dinner, bowling, visiting and laughing over youtube videos gave me a chance to get to know my step-daughter a little, and I rejoiced over it. Leah’s children (feels weird to say that when they are both adults) are amazing and wonderful. She and Brad did good there.

I wanted to give Leah and her daughter some time to visit just the two of them, so I found a meeting in Burleson. I had an awesome time visiting that particular group, and the time was fully focused on recovery. Along that subject I have recently added three men to those I work with on the road to recovery, and I so love seeing the light come on in the eyes of those discovering the steps to freedom.

On top of those blessings and so many more that I left out (like my friend finally finding God this week), the greatest miracle sits like a cherry on top of my gratitude list. I am sober today and have not needed to change the way I feel with a drink or drug in over a year. There’s no rhyme or reason for that to be true outside of God. The simple fact is with all the smoke and heat in my life lately, blessings I’m grateful for notwithstanding, I have absolutely no business being sober today. That’s just not who I am. I praise God that it is however who He is.

I haven’t updated my blog in a while, and I spent perhaps too long talking about the things that I’m grateful about for the reader to understand why I say that. I will not go into the list of all the things that have crashed against and over me the past few weeks that nearly buried me in the rubble and ash. How it seemed to blow up yesterday morning even worse, and hope fled from me. But basically all those blessings become little more in my life than patches of blue sky seen through the smoke blinding me. As the smoke of circumstances swirled around me, chasing and overcoming me wherever I turned, and the heat of my life and certain plans burning, I began to choke on self-pity and found myself cut off from the fresh air of the Spirit.

For a moment yesterday morning I slipped so far back into self and self-pity that I actually had the thought that I knew how to make the pain stop and quiet my ever-growing fear. I knew where I could get a bottle. I could make it all go away. Instead I cried as I drove. Cried tears but also out to God. I prayed the only prayer I could muster at the moment was simply, “Oh God, I’m fucked. Help. Oh God, I’m so fucked. There’s no way out. Help. Oh God.” But while I was feeling and saying that there was no way out of the downward spiral I had fallen into, I knew in my Spirit that there was. I was crying out to my only way out, my only source of strength and hope. A few minutes later and not only was the idea of grabbing that bottle long past, but I was able to pray better. I prayed about my fear, my anger, and even my hopelessness and self-pity. I found freedom, although I still had the stench of that smoke of self-pity, anger and fear clinging to me for several more hours.

By late afternoon, I used what I had gone through that morning to try to help another alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Don’t know if what I said was heard or helped much, but I felt free and happy and peaceful once more before the sun had set. The day ended much better for me than it began, and that is always a good thing no matter how the day starts.

I found peace, freedom and salvation as I cried in the morning. Another did not, and in the pain and hopelessness of self-pity ended the fight. As I wait to find out about funeral arrangements, I can’t help but wonder why I was saved and she was not. But I am grateful that as I cried out on the road, “Son of David have mercy on me!” that He did. I can’t explain why some find recovery and some don’t, but I know that as I cling to relationship with He who has all the power that I lack in myself I find victory and freedom and peace that I have not earned and do not deserve. I have no business being alive and sober today, but I am. And so I thank God and share what He has done for me so that others may know that they can find grace instead of the grave.