This morning I woke up feeling blessed and extremely grateful as I reached a new mile marker on the road to recovery. Today is the first time that I have had 16 months clean and sober since 1984. I'm not bragging, because I didn't do it. I couldn't. Nothing short of the grace and power of God could give me the ability to stay away from that first drink and drug. Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord, and He was surely correct. Only a spiritual solution ever worked to keep me sober.
But moments after I got up- feeling so grateful I saw something that saddened me. From some posts I saw on Facebook I deduced that a friend of mine had died. When I went to a noon meeting, another good friend confirmed the news. My friend Dee went to be with her Creator. While this is wonderful for her (she'd been fighting cancer for over a year and is now free from that pain), the part of me that remains selfish and self-centered ached. I hate that she's gone. Maybe now she knows exactly how much she means to me and how grateful I am for her. I couldn't express that gratitude to my satisfaction while she was alive.
I thank God for Dee. She supported me more than anyone I can think of when I first walked into the rooms. She grabbed me by the hand and drug me to my first sponsor. She spent hours with me sitting on her couch, talking and watching TV so that I'd have a safe place to hang while I white knuckled the early days of sobriety. She was the common factor in my getting to know one of my best friends and future sponsees. I spent several nights on her couch when I felt afraid that if I stayed home alone I would not be sober by morning. I did step work with my spiritual adviser at her house and did my first fourth step on that couch I mentioned. More than once, Dee was the instrument God used to keep me from going back out. She fought for me, and when I found recovery, she sent newcomers my way so that I'd have someone to help. You can't keep what you don't give away.
I love Dee, and I feel she helped God save my life. I knew this day was coming, but it still hurts in that selfish little corner of my heart. I'm going to miss her. But the part of me that is not selfish and self-centered rejoices for my friend. She ran her race. She died sober, even after a long battle with a painful illness. She's totally and completely free. She will be quoted and used to inspire people in her home group for years to come I'm sure. Way to go Dee! You won! You did it! I owe you so much that I can only repay by folowing your example and helping those who walk through the doors. Living a life of service to the alcoholic and addict is not easy, and it won't bring riches or glory. But it will bring love and keep me sober. How do I know? I saw it in Dee's life.
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