Where Will I Live?

I climbed out of bed a little while ago and didn't think about much of anything as I poured a cup of coffee and grabbed what I needed for my morning meditation. But by the time I sat down in my chair on the front porch, I was thinking about everything. I didn't wait long before I began spinning my wheels and making my lists, I need to get this done today, I need to get that done today, I need to help do this, I want to do that, and so on until I felt the weight of a day that had not yet gotten out of the starting blocks begin to crush me down.

What utter foolishness. No matter how much I have or want to do today, I can only do one thing at a time. I can multitask some things, but the fact is that at any one moment I can only concentrate and focus on one thing an instant. If I am focusing on the future, even just a few hours ahead, I can not ever truly concentrate on the present. And that means I am not fully experiencing this moment that God has given me.

I put the distractions of the hours to come away and set my mind to the now need of spending time with my Creator. After all, I can not do anything else that I need to do or want to do with the right attitude, reacting the right way (or not reacting at all), I can not know which direction to turn or what priority and time should be placed on what demand for my time in a way that can be safely trusted if I am not connected to the Safely Trusted One.

I pushed the other aside and made my opening prayers. Then I sat for a moment. It suddenly occurred to me that the temperature felt quite nice this morning. I noticed that birds were singing a beautiful song and had been. The squirrels and the cats are playing and teasing each other in the yard, the love God has given me is sitting beside me, and life in this moment is good. But to see that I had to get into this moment. I always exist in the now, but where I live is often a different matter. But in order to enjoy life, I must experience it, and in order to experience life I must be where it is mentally, spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. Life exists in one place and one place only. In one instant. There is no life in the past. The past is dead. There is no life yet in what is to come. But in the very essence of the moment, in now, is every heartbeat of life. I will try today to keep this in mind and enjoy each moment, do what I need to be doing at the moment I need to be doing it, and do enough next right things that the future doesn't catch me by surprise but also doesn't rob me of living in the present.

The Struggle Not To Fight

I am sorely disappointed. The thought that keeps running through my head is that I have ceased fighting anyone and anything. But that doesn't mean that's what I want to do. I recognize that is what's best. In the long run, in the scheme of the eternal, so much that feels critical to me today is unimportant. Knowing this truth helps, but it doesn't mean this approach it easy when I feel slighted or ill done by others, especially those I respect and care about.

So what do I do? Do I sulk or throw a fit over not getting my own way? It is tempting to sulk. To rub my disappoint in the wounds of my pain like salt. Or do I let it go before disappointment turns to anger and resentment? I have to let it go.

There are things that have been said about a dear friend of mine who died recently that angered and upset quite a few of my other friends. I however quickly let that go. It occurred to me within a few seconds that my friend was not afraid of the truth, that he would not have minded what had been said, and that my anger came from fear. Fear that my friend would not get the honor he deserved and fear that my own past would be thrown up once again, never to be escaped, not even in death.

But the truth is those are my issues, not his. He is gone from here and no longer even tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation. And the other truth is that my past will come up again. And again. And again. And if I die a violent death where more than those that know me are curious about who I was, it will likely be a headline somewhere. But fearing that is like being afraid my old car is going to break down after I have already bought a new one. It doesn't need to concern me. I care what those who knew me say about me when I'm gone, the rest of the world doesn't matter. That's how I feel now. Then? Well I won't care at all what people say when there are absolutely no barriers between me and my Creator. So I was able to let that go and understand it and realize it wasn't worth getting upset over. My friend doesn't need me to defend him or protect him or make anything better for him.

Yet what I quickly realized in the above is taking more time and effort in other areas. He is gone from here and no longer tempted to be a part of petty squabbles nor concerned over his reputation....or how he is or isn't honored. He doesn't care one bit if it appears to the world that he didn't rate more or wouldn't be accepted somewhere. He damn sure wouldn't want division or strife over his memory. If logistical problems arise from what happened, I can see him laughing and saying well, that's what they wanted, what they got, and it doesn't really matter does it? You know what I mean? And yeah, I do. So today I will pray not to let my issues get in the way of what's right. I will pray to let go of my right and need to have my own way, and while it is true that my friend and I had spent some time discussing this issue and I know exactly how he felt from his own words, it's more true that it doesn't matter in the eternal what he wanted or how he felt. He wanted peace more than his own way. He wants for nothing now. It's not worth it man, I hear him saying it over and over, and I am trying to listen.

What a Ride

I feel like I've been strapped into an emotional roller coaster and taken for quite a ride lately, and yet I don't remember ever feeling so grounded and safe. I hate feeling out of control and overwhelmed by chaos, but I always loved roller coasters. When I was younger, coasters excited me, and riding them was one of the few times that I truly trusted a power greater than myself totally and completely. The truth is that control is an illusion and I don't have it anyway, but coasters press that truth straight to the core of who I am while at the same time reminding me that while I don't have control something else does. It may be scary, and it may feel like there's no telling what's going to happen, but the truth is that the ability of the designers put certain things in place to make the ride safer than it feels, and the laws of physics that God designed the universe around are there to keep me in that seat and keep the ride on the track, even when I don't keep both hands on the rail thank you very much.

I have had blessings beyond what I have ever imagined possible come into my life these past two years. Wheeeeeee!! I have tragedy and loss and overwhelming fear. Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick!! I've gotten sober and clean and enjoyed the rush of a new way of life for 15 months and then had the bottom fall out from under me, relapsed, and dropped so fast it didn't just scare me but those that love me as well. Then just when it looked like the end was rushing to meet me, whoosh my life turns back from disaster and I'm approaching my fifth month of sobriety once again. Aaaah, relief.

I've been without work, and found work, and lost work, and seen the precipice of fear, uncertainty and hope at the prospect of doing what I love for a living come back into play. I've made some new and true friends who I love dearly and who care for me. I've reconnected with old friends that have filled holes in my life. I've seen the ride end for a dozen of them and mourn their loss. I've experienced this without fear that I won't have enough to eat, without fear of living under a bridge, and, with the exception of the relapse loopty loop and dive, without fear of the ride ending for me. My life has been one I want to live, it has been better than I have known in so long or imagined could ever happen after October of 08.

Over the time of recent past, I have learned to trust the Designer and the spiritual and physical laws he put in place. That doesn't mean I haven't become afraid. I have. I am afraid. In some ways I am more afraid at this moment than I have been in the past two years. But under that fear, at the heart of who I am, there is the same peaceful and peace bringing understanding that God has me and while the ride feels out of control, it's not. It's just out of my control. And that's ok. Because when I try to control the coaster, I somehow always manage to compromise the integrity of something all too necessary. A brace is bent, something breaks, the ride begins to slip past the barriers of physics, and I find myself in a disaster, hurt and knowing I've also hurt the ones riding with me in my car and in adjoining cars as well.

Today, I realize I am trusting God, even when I still feel afraid. Even when I have that moment in the middle of a turn that I honestly question if the Designer does love me and if He maybe doesn't care enough about me to maintain the ride properly, and even in the zero G gut wrench of a loopty loop or sudden drop when I sometimes even question if He's there at all and if I truly believe any of the things I say and try to live by. Through all those moments, there is belief and trust. I just can't focus on it due to all the adrenaline. But I haven't tried to jump off the ride, I haven't died of fear, I haven't (at least not lately) tried to control the ride myself.

I have felt like somehow I would make it through this curve, and the next great drop, and, while dreading the sight of the horrible twist I can see coming up, somehow realizing that though I don't see how, I will pass safely through that fear as well. The twists and turns and loops and fears and doubts and angry denials do more to show me the love and power and control the Designer has so much more than the easy hills and safe feeling high moments ever could.

Today I feel them climbing sensation, but with it comes the fear of the drop that always follows. The excitement level in my life is climbing as the ride climbs, and so is my level of fear. But I have the love that God put in my life to lean into, and my love for others makes a little safety bar to hold me in. I think I might even listen to the voice coming through the speaker that tells me to keep both hands inside the car at all times and to enjoy the ride. But I am confident that I will indeed enjoy the ride. There will be moments of calm and confidence, there will be times of terror, times of happiness, and times of naseau. All those things simply make the ride not boring, which is essential for any good ride, but below the calm, terror, happiness and naseau is the serenity and joy, in all the emotional ride markers, that comes from knowing the Designer is in control and everything's going to be ok, even when the ride comes to a stop.

The Legacy Of Thomas Grimes

Monday evening, around 36 hours from the time of my writing this, an honest, extremely hard-working, dependable, kind and gentle man, who lived his life to help anyone and everyone he could, regardless of race, sex, orientation or social standing became a victim of a senseless act of violence. A true handyman and jack-of-all trades who could help repair almost anything from carpentry problems and auto repair to broken lives died all too soon at age 49.

At the same time the this amazing and inspiring man was being killed, the final chapter of the life of a viciously violent drug addict and alcoholic who had spent decades lying, cheating, stealing, and yes, even killing came to an end. This horrible drug addict's autobiography included more time behind bars than most Americans spend years in school, a track record of hurting and deceiving everyone who came in contact with him for more than a brief period. He was a man who lived only for himself, to hell with everyone else, and spent his life doing drugs, consuming alcohol, and doing whatever was necessary to keep a supply of both in his life.

The selfish addict was someone you would've done well to avoid and your life probably turned out better if you never met him. The handyman was someone I wish everyone could have met because everyone who did meet him came away bettered by the experience. I knew them both, and the thing that is so hard to believe but is nevertheless true is that they were the same man.

The handyman I wrote of was all the more beautiful because he was the butterfly that resulted from the life and transformation of an addict caterpillar. As a child I found it hard to believe that the beautiful butterflies I loved to watch so much developed from ugly old caterpillars. If you could not see the process how would you ever believe that a creature crawling around in the dirt could become something so completely and unrecognizably different to fly from flower to flower bringing joy to those who saw it? That truth of this transformation and the process that causes it has always been one of my favorite miracles of nature. It is the only way I can come up with to accurately describe the awesome, miraculous and wonderful transformation of Thomas Grimes.

The Thomas so many mourn today and whose death shocked his neighbors, because he was not someone you would expect to see involved in anything ugly and violent like his death was, was a completely different man and looked nothing like the addict who wrapped himself in the cocoon of a twelve-step program and let God grow him wings and paint him with all the beautiful colors of the angels. His life and the process of transformation will always be one of the most inspiring and beautiful miracles I have ever witnessed.

I knew Thomas well. I had been in the same white he wore for so long and knew that world. I saw him crawl into the rooms of recovery ready to die but not wanting to, hurting, sweating and scared. The caterpillar had existed for far too long and the soul of Thomas ached for something else, anything else. Give me recovery or give me death, he once told me, twisting the famous revolutionary quote to fit himself. He then proceeded to launch a revolution against himself. He wrapped himself in the cocoon of the program, but this was no hibernation. Thomas dove into action, working the steps more quickly and thoroughly than I believed possible.

I will always remain grateful for the gift God gave me in allowing me to witness the transformation of Thomas. I saw him admit his powerlessness, and I could see the truth begin to shine in his eyes as he went from doubter to a man who believed. I knelt with him as he surrendered the man he was and made a decision to let God make him the man he had been created to be. I heard the anxiousness in his voice after he finished an inventory so honest and thorough that it made him physically ill. I listened to his inventory and cried as he glowed and changed before my eyes and we burned his former life in a parking lot. As his inventory went up in smoke the Thomas butterfly began emerging from his cocoon, and the man so many love and mourn today was born. I do not know why God chose me to be the witness of that precious moment, but I will always be grateful for it.

Thomas knew the freedom he sought for so long. The obsession to drink and drug stayed with the cocoon and there was almost no trace of it in the butterfly that flew from that moment. But Thomas didn't stop to rest. With true gratitude and a determination not to ever revert back to his former state, Thomas became willing to have God change everything about him and remove all the character traits of the caterpillar. He prayed for the Master Artist to erase the markings of who he had been and paint him with completely new and beautiful characteristics.

Thomas looked back over his previous incarnation and honestly saw and accepted the damage he had done as he chewed his way through the lives of others. He set out to make it right, planting new life from seeds of sorrow. I saw the constant self-examination of his new wings and how quickly he did what he needed to do to clean them off if he somehow sullied them. He stayed as close to his Creator as he could, listening to the soft and gentle wind that guided him from one life to the next so that God could use him to pollinate and bless the lives of others. As a result of the action he took and his surrendering to the molding, shaping, and coloring of the Master Artist, Thomas became a new creation. He transformed into a man few who knew the former caterpillar would recognize or be able to believe had been the same creature. He spent the rest of his life flying and telling all the caterpillars he encountered that would listen that they were never meant to crawl on their bellies forever. He said with his actions more than his words that it was ok to look up from the dirt and decay, that they too could be transformed as he was and fly, beautiful and free.

I could not exaggerate this transformation. I could not use an analogy poetic enough to capture the true wonder and beauty of what occurred in Thomas' life. Thomas Grimes recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. He awoke from the state of being spiritually dead to living a life that revealed the truth and power of God to all who saw him. He found the solution and shared it. He died clean and sober and let it be known that we can all do the same if we want.

Today I am hurting. I cry as I write the truth about the transformation I can not do justice to in words that a man I knew as friend and brother experienced. There is a hole in my life today because I know there's one less butterfly in this world. But I do not hurt for Thomas. His metamorphosis is now complete and he flies in the eternal garden of his Creator. I miss him, but more than that I wish to honor him. I meditated on the question of what could I do or say that would please my friend. This morning I imagined Thomas saying to me help make more butterflies, share the story of his life and mine so that others may know there is a solution, there is hope, and most of all, I imagined him saying to me, keep flying, keep flying and allowing the Master Artist to paint my wings, never return to the ground to try to be the caterpillar again, live the legacy of Thomas.

The Right To Success

I have had more than one Spiritual Adviser tell me that I am afraid of success. I always denied this idea. After all, I have always wanted the things that come with success and prided myself on my accomplishments. Yet, while looking back over the patterns of my life I can see how many times I switched gears and changed directions before reaching true success. I see the many times where I have let fear stop me from even trying what I felt I should accomplish. So it does appear that I am afraid of success. But I am not. I am afraid of failure. I am so afraid of failure that I all too often don't even try. It's easier to say I don't know how to go about making this happen or that happen than it is to strive for the needed knowledge, put that knowledge into action, and then to risk failing at either learning what I need to or applying said knowledge. The result is I am trapped in a place so far below what I know my potential is that I feel like a failure. So I have allowed my fear of feeling like a bigger failure keep me from trying to escape what makes me feel like a failure to begin with. When I realize this, I feel like an even bigger failure and an idiot. And the vicious cycle continues, growing in destructiveness and power over me with each revolution.

I can't stay in this place. I am finally becoming more tired and afraid of living in this rut than I am of failing. I am no longer afraid of being denied because of feeling like God doesn't want me to be happy or to be able to enjoy my life. I know He wants me happy, joyous and free and working at something that fulfills me. So I can be assured that as long as I try, as long as I do the next right thing, as long as I seek relationship with Him above all else, He will guide me to the success I long for and remove the fear of failure that has paralyzed me since I was a child. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I don't have to do it perfectly and have everything there is potential for or nothing at all. I can have moderate success and strive for living perfect and see progress. In two years of trying to live progress not perfection, I never realized that before. I am glad that enough progress has been made that today I can see this oh so simple truth, I don't have to get 100%, I can live a good life with 70% that becomes 80% that becomes 90%. I don't have to be afraid to try.

Evidence of Changes

The program of recovery that God has given me, and that I choose to work today does just that, it works. I'm not referring to sobriety right now. I have evidence every day that it works in regards to sobriety as day after day passes without my having the obsession to drink and drug return. But that is not the main purpose of the program. The true purpose of the program is to connect me with my Higher Power, to effect the changes in my character that I could never change with my own will power and to show me how to live a life worth living. Evidence of these things still sometimes surprises me and definitely encourage me.

I spent 14 hours yesterday working as a wedding photographer. I began shooting rehearsal at 9, documented the day, and finished with the wedding and after events about 5. Then after an hour break, I began going through the images I had shot, making my cuts, deciding what to use and what to throw away (much like taking inventory), and doing what I could to improve the ones that were worthy of keeping. I estimate that I have a couple more hours of work to do, and then I can present the bride and groom with their pictures.

Where the evidence of changes in my life came in is that I enjoyed it thoroughly. By lunch I had begun working on thoughts and plans of how I could begin doing wedding photography regularly. What amazes me about this, is that as a professional photographer, I refused to shoot weddings for years. I hated doing it. I only did a couple and always swore to avoid such hell in the future. I claimed it was a soul killing enterprise for an artist.

But it never was about creativity or lack of challenge. The fact is that there is plenty of opportunity for beautiful and artistic photography with weddings, and also the chance to take the journalism documentary style photographs that I love. Weddings are one of the few things I can do now that offer a taste of the photojournalism career I threw away and destroyed during the time that I was busy building up the wreckage of my past. And yet, I still refused to consider shooting weddings. I still hated the very idea of it.

But as I applied reflection and inventory to my thought process, as I referred back to the things I learned about myself during the fourth and fifth steps, as I got rigorously honest about my reasons and feelings I learned something I had never been able to admit to myself before. My hatred of shooting weddings had nothing to do with creativity and artistic merit. It had everything to do with fear, how I felt about myself and my self worth, and how I responded to pressure. My fears have been reduced and dealt with through working the program, my understanding of my value and abilities has grown and changed, and my natural instinctive reactions to pressure, and what even causes pressure today for that matter, have changed drastically. These changes have made me a better man. They have given me a life worth living. And they have turned me 180 degrees from the direction I took in photography before, where I feared and hated the idea of shooting weddings for a living, to the place where I can be excited about the freedom and possibilities such an endeavor could afford me. I thank God that He gave me the willingness to give of my time and talents as a wedding present for two very good friends, because it gave me a glimpse of who I am today and how I have changed that I truly needed to see. I am grateful for the opportunities I have in my life today. I am grateful that the prejudice I stayed imprisoned by has been removed so that I can see the art and beauty in life around me, even in the idea of wedding photography.

No Need To Be Self Conscious

Self consciousness is pride manifesting in someone with low self-esteem. Have you ever met anyone totally at ease with themselves and comfortable with who they are? You can not embarrass such a person. It is almost impossible for someone with true and total self acceptance to become self conscious.

Self consciousness is fear. It is fear that I might do something or say something or that something may happen that will change the way that people think and feel about me in a negative way. When I become self conscious I am placing my focus on the wrong thing. It's time to remember that my center is supposed to be my Higher Power and not myself. It is time to remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business and is unimportant. My value and significance are not determined by how others see me and what others think and feel about me. They are not even determined by what I think and feel about myself. My significance and value are determined by what God says about me and thinks about me.

It doesn't matter if I am lower in status according to worldly measure. It doesn't matter that my past has the stink and look of a cesspool. My value is not determined by what kind of job I have, or if I have a job at all. It certainly doesn't matter what I look like or what kind of clothes I wear or what size, how decorated or how clean my house is. My significance remains based on the fact that my Creator loves me, cares for me and wants relationship with me, no matter what the circumstances in my life are. God doesn't even care if I trip and fall on my butt or spill a bowl of soup in my lap or anything else I could fear happening that would embarrass me in a room full of people.

The only thing that can effect my value to God is my level of willingness to be a servant. When I am extremely willing to be of service to others my value to God is higher than when I selfishly insist on only trying to serve myself and attain my own wants and desires. It's not that He values me any more or less either way. God's love for me is not effected by or determined by my actions and performance. It is that when I am willing to be used by Him to serve others, I am a more effective tool. If I am His hand in the life of someone He wants to bless and help, then I am more effective and of more value when I will move how and when He wants than I am cramped up and closed in on myself. My willingness to do what God wants me to do to serve Him and others is the only thing that is in within my control that can effect my value. So when I am living in willingness, I do not have to be self-conscious, I do not have to be afraid of what others may think of me. There is freedom in this. This simple truth is the secret answer to the question of how can I be more free by becoming a servant to another.

God, help me to remember and walk in this truth today. Help me to be a servant, and if and when I fail in some area, remind me that Your love for me is not determined by the level of perfection or performance in my life.