The Secret Of Joy

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

My first thought when I read the above quote was "well, that's easy for him to say, he was Vincent Van Gogh! Seriously isn't that somewhat like a bird saying if you hear a voice saying you can't fly, fly and that voice will be silenced?" But then I realized something. Unless a bird has been wounded or is sick, it never occurs to him that he can not fly once he has flown. Van Gogh on the other hand was not a bird. He was a man, just like me. Not every painting he did was a masterpiece. We have no way to know how many pieces he threw away or burned in disgust that he could not produce what he saw within his mind. How many times did he stare at a blank canvas and have nothing come to mind to paint and wonder if his gift had fled him? How many times did he compare his work to the great masters of the past and feel he did not measure up and that he was a fraud because he could not or did not do what they had done in the way that they did it? I do not doubt that Vincent Van Gogh had his moments of doubt, moments where he heard the voice say you can not paint.

I have gifts and talents of my own. I have dreams. I have things that I would like to be able to do. And all too often I have that same voice that says I can't. Or even worse, the voice says go ahead and do it, but it won't be long before the whole world sees that you can't do it well. I believe those voices are part of the human makeup. We all have them. The thing that makes a difference between one person and the next, between success in my life and failure, between contentment and fear, is how these voices are responded to. I can paint and silence the voice, not caring if I am ever a master painter or if anyone besides myself enjoys my painting but finding contentment in doing something I love and want to do, or I can heed the warnings of the voices and not try. I can give up on my dreams, I can slip into relationships and careers and activities that are unfulfilling, meaningless and empty. I can be miserable.

There was a time when the latter of those options is exactly what I would have and did choose more often than not. Then when the pain and emptiness overwhelmed me I did anything and everything I could to kill it and change the way I felt, except simply paint. I drank. I drugged. I searched for the instant miracle. But I did not try. Today, I find that my life is better when I paint, even if only to enjoy painting. It doesn't matter if the result is nothing praiseworthy. I can throw the canvas away when I am done and start again. If I do this over and over, I may get better and start producing art worth looking at. Or I may not. The point is not I can someday learn to be a master painter. The point is rather that I learn to enjoy the moment. I spend time doing something that I love and enjoy.

It has been said that it is the journey and not the destination that matters. Of course the destination matters, but the point is well made. I am who God created me to be, and the gifts and callings on my life were placed there by Him. I can never be happy, joyous and free, I will never be content, until I surrender and accept myself as He made me. If I am filled with a drive to paint, then I am painter and will not be content without that in my life. I don't have to be Van Gogh. I don't have to be world renown. I simply have to paint and the voice will be silenced. Today I realize that life would be more fulfilling and satisfying to be a painter who loves to paint and enjoys the act while producing nothing of worldly value than to be a musician who paints the best and most sought after pieces in the world. But don't take my word for it. Ask a child who grabs a crayon and scribbles across the pages of a coloring book in all the wrong places and with all the wrong colors. They have lived during that moment of coloring. They know joy and peace with themselves and what they are doing. It is not until years later, after the the damage of living in this world and surrendering to the values and opinions of others that they lose the pleasure in that and decide if they can not do better they won't color at all. Is it growing up, or is it losing the secret of joy?

A Work Of Art

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. --Michelangelo

I love this quote from Michelangelo, and I have for years. It always struck me as the best description of what it means to be an artist. I often rated myself as an artist based on this question, can I and do I see what is hidden in plain view and somehow find a way to bring it out. As a photographer and digital artist I feel it is even more true that I do not create anything but rather somehow find a way to show and share what image God showed me.

Yet I realize that I have been the least like an artist, the least true to this quote with the one thing God has given me to see more than anything else, myself. Throughout my life others have seen an angel under the dirt on the surface of my life. How many times have I had to sit and listen to a teacher tell my parents about my great potential that I am wasting? How many times I have received praise for some ability or gift? And how many times have I disagreed? I always seem ready to accept the dirt on the surface and believe that not only is that all that I am but that it is all that I can be? I failed to see the angel buried in the marble and therefore have no drive or ability to carve it out.

Recovery and a better relationship with God are starting to change that, slowly. I still can't often see these things worth looking at in who I am, but I am more ready to believe that God does. I am starting to get a vague idea of the image below the surface. Finally I am beginning to act like an artist in my own life by yearning to see what isn't obvious, aching to see the potential. Today I ask God to show me more glimpses of the sculpture He wants made with my life. I ask that He guide me through the steps that I need to take to see the stone carved away to reveal said image. More often than not what is needed is my submission to His carving. Because while I believe it is true that my life can be a work of art, and I know that action is required on my part (even surrender is an action verb), the truth is that when the work is done it won't be my accomplishment. In this case God is the artist who can see the angel in the marble, and I'm just the sculpture that others can see His work and give Him glory for his artistry. Maybe not yet, because the work's not finished yet, but progress is being made. I am grateful that I am finally beginning to see it for myself. Seeing the image begin to emerge where I saw no image before encourages me to let the Master Artist continue His sculpting.

I Need To Get Out Of My Way

The biggest obstacle I have to overcome to achieve my goals and reach my dreams has nothing to do with the wreckage of my past, the state of the economy or any other situation that seems stacked against me. The simple truth is that the thing that is most in my way is myself. How I react to the situations in my life, including my past, how I let my fears and ignorance of how to accomplish what I need to overwhelm me and slow me down are far more a problem than anything outside myself. My selfishness, self-centeredness and active practicing of character defects all get in the way of my doing the next right thing well enough to see the fruits I so desire in my life. But while the biggest obstacle is me, the answer lies with me as well. If I do not let myself get in my own way, if I continue to do the next right thing even when I do not want to, if I stay surrendered to my Higher Power and allow Him to do to me, through me and for me the things He wants to do, then there is nothing that I need to accomplish that will be impossible for me to do so.

Plankeye

On the subject of how to treat others there are three Biblical scriptures that come up quite often, even among people who do not believe or follow Christian teachings. I, who do use the scriptures as a blueprint for life, also bring these three to mind when trying to control my reactions to others. They are "judge not lest you be judged," love your neighbor as yourself," and "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

The first and last one of these three scriptures are ones I have used more in anger and defense than not. When I feel someone judging me it is easy to throw these passages up not only as a shield but as a weapon, especially when I know that the person in question holds Christian beliefs. It even gives me the opportunity to smugly slip into pride, feel superior to the other person and call them a hypocrite. How dare they judge me? How dare they do to me what I have done to so many others? They are hypocrites. I just struggle in acting like I know I should and fall short of perfection from time to time, but if this person doesn't show perfection in their beliefs they are hypocrites. What a load.

Using these admonitions as I have does not fulfill my obligations for the other. It is certainly not a way to love my neighbor as myself. So if they are spiritual truths and truth is something that I can and should use as a spiritual tool in my life regardless of the source, then how should I be using them? To remind myself to give others the same breaks, mercy and leeway that I desire. I need to use these passages and anything else that I can remember to keep my own attitude one of love and tolerance.

One thing I can't allow myself to do though is use them as an excuse to separate myself from others and not to help and serve and also not to protect myself. I can not use judge not lest you be judged, or along those lines "don't take someone else's inventory," as an excuse not to be careful about who I trust and allow influence in my life. I can not be so afraid of having the fruit in my life examined that I don't look at the fruit in someone else's life before I let them plant seeds in my mind, heart or soul. I can not let the truth that I am only learning to really love myself be an excuse not to love others. And I can not sit back and do nothing to help others get the plank out of their eye simply because I have not gotten it all out of my own.

Instead I need to take care to bear the fruit in my own life that will stand examination and judge carefully who I let plant seeds in my life while at the same time refuse to be critical and harsh towards those that I need to guard myself against. They are still sick and need compassion not criticism. I need to continue to learn to love myself in the proper way, realizing I have value to God and treating myself as though I do, and then treating others I come in contact with, my neighbor, as though they also are of value. And finally, I need to remember that no one could help me with the plank in my eye nearly as much as those who have experienced that same pain and blindness. While I can not attack someone for displaying character defects that I myself have shown, and still show, I can and should use that similarity of affliction as a reason to reach out and help. I can be honest enough to say I have this same problem and this is how I turned the plank into a sliver. I've been where you are and I know that there is a solution that works because I have seen it work in my life. I am not perfect, I still have plankeye in some areas, but in so much of my life God has whittled the plank down to a speck. He can do the same for you. I know this because I know it works if you work it.

Sick

It's difficult for me to think today. I find that when I am physically ill it becomes increasingly harder to get my thoughts off myself. And not only do I focus more on myself but I focus almost entirely on how I feel and my situation. This isn't a very good thing. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my problem. It is natural to be more self-centered when ill, but I have to fight it. I can not allow my sickness to be an excuse to wallow in self-pity or become self-centered. For one thing, I can quickly become too comfortable in that state of being. Secondly, if I allow exceptions for illness how long before I begin allowing exceptions for other things, such as hurt feelings and situations not going my way? I have to push through my feelings and gain that conscious contact with God. I also have to realize that when I am weakened physically I am also affected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. This means I am more vulnerable to fall out of using the tools I have been given and to slip back into old reaction patterns. I have to take care of myself. That in itself is an interesting proposition. I must take care of myself more to insure I don't become more self-centered and focused. So how can I accomplish the one without feeding the other? I need to take care of myself by seeking time with my Higher Power. I need to take care of myself by resting so that my body can recover. And I need to take care of myself by listening to current and temporary limitations and not pushing myself to perform and be at the levels I am when I am well. So today I am going to spend a little extra time in meditation, take some medicine and copious amounts of vitamin C, rest and experiment with the theory that staying well spiritually and working on improving ,my spiritual condition may actually improve my physical condition more quickly.

What A Difference

If I look at my past and the damage I have done in so many areas over the years, it is easy to see that I do not deserve the life I have today. I am richly blessed. There was a time when seeing and or feeling how little I deserved one particular good thing in my life or another would have started a chain reaction within me that would lead to me doing something to push that good thing out of my life or destroy it. I never wanted all the destruction and negative results to manifest, but I felt comfortable with them. I felt I deserved them. When I didn't feel I deserved the love and good in my life I didn't trust it, couldn't trust it. Today I understand what is so amazing about grace. How special it is to have an undeserved second chance. I don't have to push that away or protect myself from it. I treasure it and guard it.

It is true that if you have never tasted the bitter then you can not truly appreciate the sweet. Today I want to appreciate the sweet instead of expecting it to turn bitter because I have tasted that so often.

Which Way Will I Go?

The morning is somewhat gray and blah, but the time is good. It's mornings like this that I realize I have a choice that effects the rest of my day. Nothing has happened to thrust me into a good mood or make me feel that the day is going to be wonderful. There have even been a couple of set backs already. But the truth is I have a choice. I can enjoy my time with my Creator, I can focus on the birds singing more than the gray skies, I look forward to the opportunities that I have in my life today rather than fear all the things that can go wrong. Some days, I am blessed and it's easy to go with the flow and have a good day, full of joy in doing the next right thing. Other days, I have to fight negative circumstances and attitudes. But some days could go either way. Before recovery, most days that could've gone either way went to the negative. It was easy to focus on the negative and all the things that could've gone wrong and then escape from the feelings I fed myself. Today, I choose a better way. I choose to let God guide me and make today good. I I choose to see and appreciate all the things I have to be grateful for.