"Show me what it's for, make me understand it. I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer. Is there something more than what I've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer." Crawling In The Dark by Hoobastank
What's the point? What is this life for? Why bother making it through one day of suffering only to discover that the dawn doesn't bring relief but rather more pain? Why spend a life hiding from the light that only seems to make the grotesque picture of life that much harder to take? This is how I felt for so much of my life. This was my existence. But even as I wallowed in my own filth in the darkness I prayed for an answer.
When I stopped screaming long enough to listen, I found my answer. There is a solution after all. And a life worth living is found as Switchfoot says between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. Progress toward destiny, the journey is the purpose of life, and finding yourself walking the road to Emmaus with perfect companion and having that fellowship truly is the point of it all.
"Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where ya gonna go? Where ya gonna go? Salvation is here." Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Better Way
Sometimes it just feels like there's no way to get everything I need to get done done. There isn't enough time. I don't have the energy or the money or some other necessary element. When I look at all I have to do and how few of the needed resources I have, I become overwhelmed, which causes me to feel like I'm swimming with weight on my back. I am more convinced that I won't make the swim to shore.
One of the things I love about my life today and my relationship with my Higher Power is that I can relax when I feel this way now. When I decide what I want and need to do, when I assign myself the list of tasks, then I am responsible for finding the way to get them done. This is a very scary prospect indeed when my time is so limited, my pocketbook so empty, my energy so used up and spread out over different tasks, etc. But when I am doing what God wants me to do and focusing on doing the next right thing in my path, then I no longer have to be afraid or bear that weight. With everything that God gives me to do, I can trust that He will also give me the resources, both inner and outer, to do the task. I will be given the words to say to those He puts in my path. I will be provided with a way to pay the rent when I am living where He wants me to live. When I know that I am working where He wants me to work, then I can rest assured that I will be able to get to that job, even if it means I will live close enough to walk. When it is God's will for me to go to school, then I know He will provide the resources financially, mentally and time wise to get through it. I will have enough time to handle my responsibilities for everything that He would have me do, from housework, to helping others, to jobs and education, and whatever else.
The key for me to not feel overwhelmed, and to not be overwhelmed, is to let Him guide me so that I know that I am doing His will, to not waste the resources He provides to do His will, and to remember that even if He has given me ten things to do, I can only do one of them at a time. I do not need to look at, worry about, or work on all ten things at once. I do the task in front of me, or the part of it that needs doing now. I do it to the best of my ability. Then I move on to the next thing. When I approach life this way, I no longer feel overwhelmed or feel like I have to manage to come up with the ability and resources, energy, wisdom, etc. to accomplish what I need to. Instead of swimming to shore with a weight on my back, I realize I'm in a boat with a paddle. Sure I still have to do the rowing, but isn't that so much easier? And I don't have to worry about sinking and drowning if I need to take a short breather while in the boat. But resting doesn't happen while swimming under weight. His way is better.
One of the things I love about my life today and my relationship with my Higher Power is that I can relax when I feel this way now. When I decide what I want and need to do, when I assign myself the list of tasks, then I am responsible for finding the way to get them done. This is a very scary prospect indeed when my time is so limited, my pocketbook so empty, my energy so used up and spread out over different tasks, etc. But when I am doing what God wants me to do and focusing on doing the next right thing in my path, then I no longer have to be afraid or bear that weight. With everything that God gives me to do, I can trust that He will also give me the resources, both inner and outer, to do the task. I will be given the words to say to those He puts in my path. I will be provided with a way to pay the rent when I am living where He wants me to live. When I know that I am working where He wants me to work, then I can rest assured that I will be able to get to that job, even if it means I will live close enough to walk. When it is God's will for me to go to school, then I know He will provide the resources financially, mentally and time wise to get through it. I will have enough time to handle my responsibilities for everything that He would have me do, from housework, to helping others, to jobs and education, and whatever else.
The key for me to not feel overwhelmed, and to not be overwhelmed, is to let Him guide me so that I know that I am doing His will, to not waste the resources He provides to do His will, and to remember that even if He has given me ten things to do, I can only do one of them at a time. I do not need to look at, worry about, or work on all ten things at once. I do the task in front of me, or the part of it that needs doing now. I do it to the best of my ability. Then I move on to the next thing. When I approach life this way, I no longer feel overwhelmed or feel like I have to manage to come up with the ability and resources, energy, wisdom, etc. to accomplish what I need to. Instead of swimming to shore with a weight on my back, I realize I'm in a boat with a paddle. Sure I still have to do the rowing, but isn't that so much easier? And I don't have to worry about sinking and drowning if I need to take a short breather while in the boat. But resting doesn't happen while swimming under weight. His way is better.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My Life Is Not My Own
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me ever single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."
What an amazing thing it is to come to the realization that God wants all of me, good and bad. I do not have to struggle with and defeat the bad on my own. I do not have to carry its weight around because God won't have anything to do with it. I do not have to be afraid that my wretchedness will keep God from my life. He waits for me to turn to Him and say here, you can have this too.
But not only will He take the bad for me, and from me, as I am willing to surrender it, He wants the good as well. The good must be given to Him so that it can be used in the most effective way possible. The good must be given to Him so that the credit can go to the one who truly deserves it, and so that I don't slip back into self centeredness and pride over what I consider my positive traits.
I must not beat myself to a spiritual bloody pulp over the bad and view myself as a monster worse than any could imagine. And I must not praise myself overly much for the good in me and see myself as the saint. I am neither monster nor saint. Humility comes so much more easily when I give it all to Him and allow myself to be guided and used as He sees fit.
The key to my freedom, joy, hope, serenity, and love is in servanthood, and I can not be an effective servant while holding any part of myself back from God. By giving all of myself, the good and the bad, I become pliable and useful to God. Until I truly give God the bad, I can not totally become willing for Him to remove those things from my life. Some of the shortcomings in my character I still enjoy, but by making them no longer mine, gifts to God, I can more readily release them, because they are not mine to hold on to. And I can be of more good to others when I have the understanding that the good no longer belongs to me either and therefore it is up to God when and how and where and for whom it is used. I don't get to pick and choose when, and who, and where I serve. I go and do what I am told, when I am told to do it, and for whom. This may sound like slavery, but it is a choice to be a servant, and I have never felt so free in my life. With this total surrender I have been given more power in my life than I could ever imagine.
This is not something I can do once and never worry about again. I have a tendency to take things back from God. I have to choose to give all of myself repeatedly, every time I realize that I am living as though some of my life is my own to do with as I please. It's not. Today my prayer is that I hold nothing back, and that I always remember that once I have given myself to God, I am His to use as He desires. He can do whatever He wants with the gift. And that includes removing some things from my life that I might have preferred to hold onto for a little while.
What an amazing thing it is to come to the realization that God wants all of me, good and bad. I do not have to struggle with and defeat the bad on my own. I do not have to carry its weight around because God won't have anything to do with it. I do not have to be afraid that my wretchedness will keep God from my life. He waits for me to turn to Him and say here, you can have this too.
But not only will He take the bad for me, and from me, as I am willing to surrender it, He wants the good as well. The good must be given to Him so that it can be used in the most effective way possible. The good must be given to Him so that the credit can go to the one who truly deserves it, and so that I don't slip back into self centeredness and pride over what I consider my positive traits.
I must not beat myself to a spiritual bloody pulp over the bad and view myself as a monster worse than any could imagine. And I must not praise myself overly much for the good in me and see myself as the saint. I am neither monster nor saint. Humility comes so much more easily when I give it all to Him and allow myself to be guided and used as He sees fit.
The key to my freedom, joy, hope, serenity, and love is in servanthood, and I can not be an effective servant while holding any part of myself back from God. By giving all of myself, the good and the bad, I become pliable and useful to God. Until I truly give God the bad, I can not totally become willing for Him to remove those things from my life. Some of the shortcomings in my character I still enjoy, but by making them no longer mine, gifts to God, I can more readily release them, because they are not mine to hold on to. And I can be of more good to others when I have the understanding that the good no longer belongs to me either and therefore it is up to God when and how and where and for whom it is used. I don't get to pick and choose when, and who, and where I serve. I go and do what I am told, when I am told to do it, and for whom. This may sound like slavery, but it is a choice to be a servant, and I have never felt so free in my life. With this total surrender I have been given more power in my life than I could ever imagine.
This is not something I can do once and never worry about again. I have a tendency to take things back from God. I have to choose to give all of myself repeatedly, every time I realize that I am living as though some of my life is my own to do with as I please. It's not. Today my prayer is that I hold nothing back, and that I always remember that once I have given myself to God, I am His to use as He desires. He can do whatever He wants with the gift. And that includes removing some things from my life that I might have preferred to hold onto for a little while.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Duke
Saturday I attended the funeral of a hopeless drunk who had found the solution and power to stay sober years before I met him. Duke seemed larger than life to me the first time I saw him, the last, and every time in between. Quick to smile and laugh, he was even more quick to help others. I have heard many times within the rooms that service to others is of vital importance to sobriety. So many people have said if you're trapped in your own fears and pain, find someone else to help. To be honest, I don't remember Duke saying these things much. What I saw though sent a stronger message than words ever could. He never stopped helping others. When so many that I felt I could relate to in the rooms were looking at me and saying he'll never make it Duke told me I could and showed me how. When I slipped he spoke of the year it took him to attain a month of continuous sobriety, which made his two decades without a drink all the more awe inspiring to me.
At his funeral, the movie It's A Wonderful Life was misquoted, and the man said Duke was the richest man in town. This, the man said, was a fitting thing to say, because Duke was the closest thing to a George Bailey that he had ever seen. Duke was a man who lived a life of service and was happier for it, who had so many friends from so many different walks and stations of life, who helped more people than he could've have possibly been aware of. His life made a huge difference. I would like to be around for quite some time (a feeling I am still just beginning to get used to) but when I die, I can think of no better eulogy than that. To have it truly be said that I lived a life of service, was happier for it, and helped many. And the thought occurs to me that if I want what Duke had, even in death, I should do what he did.
At his funeral, the movie It's A Wonderful Life was misquoted, and the man said Duke was the richest man in town. This, the man said, was a fitting thing to say, because Duke was the closest thing to a George Bailey that he had ever seen. Duke was a man who lived a life of service and was happier for it, who had so many friends from so many different walks and stations of life, who helped more people than he could've have possibly been aware of. His life made a huge difference. I would like to be around for quite some time (a feeling I am still just beginning to get used to) but when I die, I can think of no better eulogy than that. To have it truly be said that I lived a life of service, was happier for it, and helped many. And the thought occurs to me that if I want what Duke had, even in death, I should do what he did.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Precious Moments
Fellowship of the soul is the purpose of relationship. I longed for this my entire existence. God blessed me with moments of true connection with others throughout my life where the exploration of spiritual thought, discussing music, art, writing, and sometimes simply the world around me brought moments of connection, revelation of who I was to myself and others, and mutual understanding, but I always managed to destroy this fellowship. I lived my life longing for these moments and doing everything impulse directed me to which would so often make these moments unattainable or would destroy the fragile connection.
Like a little boy mesmerized and exuberant over discovering that in a moment of stillness a beautiful butterfly has landed on his hand, I treasured those moments. Yet, I experienced each one afraid to breathe for fear that if the butterfly truly realized who it was on, where it was, it would fly away. I revealed as much of myself as I dared, but with each revelation came the fear that the other would flee. After a while I could not take the fear. I would drink and use more because of it, which led to destruction in my life that chased others or way. At other times, I would try to preserve the moments and relationships, grabbing wings and putting relationships in a specimen jar. Death most often followed, but even when it didn't damage was done and the magic of the moment I so longed for was destroyed.
Today the chaos of the past within my heart, mind and soul is gone. Thanks to the program of recovery in my life and a relationship with my Creator that I do not deserve I have a stillness in my soul that fills my life with quiet contentment. One day I opened my eyes to discover the butterfly I longed for had landed on my chest. But I don't have to be afraid that I am going to destroy the moment, I don't have to blow on the wings to see how much turbulence there can be before she flies away, and I don't have to kill it in an attempt to preserve it. The changes in me, the spiritual awakening the steps brought me to, enable me to simply lay there and enjoy the gift, to appreciate the fellowship and wonder at the awesomeness of my God who allows me to have these beautiful moments of peace and joy as I simply watch a butterfly on my chest flap her wings to the rhythm of my heart.
Like a little boy mesmerized and exuberant over discovering that in a moment of stillness a beautiful butterfly has landed on his hand, I treasured those moments. Yet, I experienced each one afraid to breathe for fear that if the butterfly truly realized who it was on, where it was, it would fly away. I revealed as much of myself as I dared, but with each revelation came the fear that the other would flee. After a while I could not take the fear. I would drink and use more because of it, which led to destruction in my life that chased others or way. At other times, I would try to preserve the moments and relationships, grabbing wings and putting relationships in a specimen jar. Death most often followed, but even when it didn't damage was done and the magic of the moment I so longed for was destroyed.
Today the chaos of the past within my heart, mind and soul is gone. Thanks to the program of recovery in my life and a relationship with my Creator that I do not deserve I have a stillness in my soul that fills my life with quiet contentment. One day I opened my eyes to discover the butterfly I longed for had landed on my chest. But I don't have to be afraid that I am going to destroy the moment, I don't have to blow on the wings to see how much turbulence there can be before she flies away, and I don't have to kill it in an attempt to preserve it. The changes in me, the spiritual awakening the steps brought me to, enable me to simply lay there and enjoy the gift, to appreciate the fellowship and wonder at the awesomeness of my God who allows me to have these beautiful moments of peace and joy as I simply watch a butterfly on my chest flap her wings to the rhythm of my heart.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
There Is Always Action Required
I am not a wildflower which can do nothing and receive all the blessings coming my way. Even though my Creator cares for me and loves me even more than the wildflower that is also cared for there is more required of me than of the simple flower. Action is always required on my part to receive even the gifts freely given of God.
If my father hands me a present for my birthday, that is a gift freely given out of his love for me. I did nothing to deserve or earn it other than be born and staying alive long enough to reach whatever annual marker we are celebrating, and since I had nothing to do with my being born and actively took part in activities that should have shortened my life making it a miracle of God that I reached my current age, both of these prerequisites are not something I have done, can take credit for, or had any control over. Yet to receive the gift I must take action, even though that action has nothing to do with earning or deserving the gift.
To continue with the birthday gift analogy, the first thing I must do is show up somewhere where I can see mmy father, or at the very least where he can leave the present for me. In order to receive the gifts from my Spiritual Father I must place myself in position where there can be an encounter between us. Then, back to the earthly present, I must take the present from my father's hands or pick it up from where he has lain it. Even if he were to toss it to me, I must catch it. At no time will the gift magically appear in my grasp. I must take it and hold it. I must do something. The same once again is true spiritually. In order to accept the gifts and blessings from my Spiritual Father, I must be willing to reach out to receive them. He will not force them on me. Finally, with the earthly present I must open the packaging and take out the gift for me to truly posses it. Spiritually, I must take the gifts and blessings into my life and realize that I have them in order for it to make any difference in my life that I do.
But there is even more action required of me once I take the actions required to receive my gifts and blessings. Receiving them is not the end of the story. If my father gives me something, I have to use it if it is to mean anything. I can not show gratitude and appreciation for his gift, his care for me, and his love for me by sticking it in storage and forgetting it exists until I am doing inventory. If the item is something to be used, worn, consumed, etc., then I need to use it, wear it, consume it, or take whatever other action necessary to utilize it. Then it can do me some good, it can add something to my life, and my father can see and knnow that I value what he has given me. Spiritually, this holds true as well. My Creator has given me gifts and blessings over and beyond anything I could ever deserve or earn. But they add nothing to my life and are esteemed of no value if I do not use them. I must use them, consume them, wear them, love them, care for them, etc. in order to have them truly bless me. I must show my gratitude for them in order to express my understanding of their value. I can not simply allow them to be with no action taken on my part or they will be like the gift placed in a storage shed, unavailable when most needed rather than ready at hand.
I pray today that I have eyes to see the many gifts and blessings that are in my life, that I do nothing that would take me out of position for a personal encounter with my God so that I can receive what He wants to give me today, that I taste of what He gives me that my life may be richer for it, and that I show my gratitude above all else so that the gift be appraised with the highest value it deserves by myself and those who see it.
If my father hands me a present for my birthday, that is a gift freely given out of his love for me. I did nothing to deserve or earn it other than be born and staying alive long enough to reach whatever annual marker we are celebrating, and since I had nothing to do with my being born and actively took part in activities that should have shortened my life making it a miracle of God that I reached my current age, both of these prerequisites are not something I have done, can take credit for, or had any control over. Yet to receive the gift I must take action, even though that action has nothing to do with earning or deserving the gift.
To continue with the birthday gift analogy, the first thing I must do is show up somewhere where I can see mmy father, or at the very least where he can leave the present for me. In order to receive the gifts from my Spiritual Father I must place myself in position where there can be an encounter between us. Then, back to the earthly present, I must take the present from my father's hands or pick it up from where he has lain it. Even if he were to toss it to me, I must catch it. At no time will the gift magically appear in my grasp. I must take it and hold it. I must do something. The same once again is true spiritually. In order to accept the gifts and blessings from my Spiritual Father, I must be willing to reach out to receive them. He will not force them on me. Finally, with the earthly present I must open the packaging and take out the gift for me to truly posses it. Spiritually, I must take the gifts and blessings into my life and realize that I have them in order for it to make any difference in my life that I do.
But there is even more action required of me once I take the actions required to receive my gifts and blessings. Receiving them is not the end of the story. If my father gives me something, I have to use it if it is to mean anything. I can not show gratitude and appreciation for his gift, his care for me, and his love for me by sticking it in storage and forgetting it exists until I am doing inventory. If the item is something to be used, worn, consumed, etc., then I need to use it, wear it, consume it, or take whatever other action necessary to utilize it. Then it can do me some good, it can add something to my life, and my father can see and knnow that I value what he has given me. Spiritually, this holds true as well. My Creator has given me gifts and blessings over and beyond anything I could ever deserve or earn. But they add nothing to my life and are esteemed of no value if I do not use them. I must use them, consume them, wear them, love them, care for them, etc. in order to have them truly bless me. I must show my gratitude for them in order to express my understanding of their value. I can not simply allow them to be with no action taken on my part or they will be like the gift placed in a storage shed, unavailable when most needed rather than ready at hand.
I pray today that I have eyes to see the many gifts and blessings that are in my life, that I do nothing that would take me out of position for a personal encounter with my God so that I can receive what He wants to give me today, that I taste of what He gives me that my life may be richer for it, and that I show my gratitude above all else so that the gift be appraised with the highest value it deserves by myself and those who see it.
Friday, September 24, 2010
No Merit From Who I Am
"My sobriety depends on who God is, not who I am." Duane M.
It is so important for me to remember today that while I am doing the work I have been assigned to do, it is but a small portion of the task. I work the steps and position myself where God can do the rest. I spend time in prayer and meditation like a car spends time in a body shop. I go in so that I can come out restored, but my Creator, the Great Mechanic, does the restoration not I. I can not try to take credit for miracles. I must not seek praise for another artist's work, and I can not allow myself to take on more than my job assignment. I have to do my part to stay in conscious contact with my higher power. Other than doing those things that accomplish that, I have no other duties. There is nothing I can do above and beyond to cause my spirit to grow faster than God is making me grow, and there are no deeds that I must do to earn His continued participation in my life restoration project. His willingness and ability to heal and restore me and to have relationship with me is entirely because of who He is. It has nothing to do with who I am or what I have done, am doing or will do, good or bad.
It is so important for me to remember today that while I am doing the work I have been assigned to do, it is but a small portion of the task. I work the steps and position myself where God can do the rest. I spend time in prayer and meditation like a car spends time in a body shop. I go in so that I can come out restored, but my Creator, the Great Mechanic, does the restoration not I. I can not try to take credit for miracles. I must not seek praise for another artist's work, and I can not allow myself to take on more than my job assignment. I have to do my part to stay in conscious contact with my higher power. Other than doing those things that accomplish that, I have no other duties. There is nothing I can do above and beyond to cause my spirit to grow faster than God is making me grow, and there are no deeds that I must do to earn His continued participation in my life restoration project. His willingness and ability to heal and restore me and to have relationship with me is entirely because of who He is. It has nothing to do with who I am or what I have done, am doing or will do, good or bad.
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