Time For Repairs

It's Thursday morning, and I am feeling much better today than I have since the surgery on Monday. I feel blessed to have been able to continue to maintain my daily spiritual routine not only Monday but every day after. Though my dosage of pain killers is extremely low the presence of narcotics in my system and on my bedside table have motivated me to be extremely concerned about my spiritual state over the last few days. I am recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body that leads to my drinking and drugging but I am  not cured of the phenomenon of the craving that is activated by the introduction of chemicals to my system. I know that I am not immune to the dangers of using simply because I have a legitimate reason and doctor's orders to use. Nor will the illusion of control that comes from following prescription times and dosages provide safety. I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The key word for me here is maintenance.

There are two parts to maintenance. Regular inspection and care is one. With a vehicle this would include things like checking air pressure in tires, checking the fluids, checking the belts, etc and then taking the proper steps to correct anything that isn't right. With my spiritual program this includes starting my day with prayer and mediation, reading and studying recovery and spiritual materials. keeping an eye on the "spiritual gauges" as I go through the day so that I know quickly if and when I fall into self will, and making the proper adjustments when I do, and ending the day in review and prayer.

The second part of maintenance is tied with the last part of the vehicle maintenance. There are times when checking everything reveals a problem. Other times something that isn't on the regular check list breaks down or shows some sign of problem. To keep the vehicle properly maintained I must repair the problem as quickly as possible. Continuing to drive while something  is breaking down can cause serious damage to other parts of the vehicle and could cause an accident. Spiritually there are times when problems are revealed during normal checking and other times a situation reveals the problem. Regardless of how I learn of an area where the is a problem with my spiritual life, I need to repair it as quickly as possible in order to maintain my spiritual condition and conscious contact with God, and as a by-product maintain my sobriety.

Last Friday morning all my gauges red lined. Leah and I went into the hospital  to make the financial arrangements for my surgery and to do the pre-op tests. Within the first few minutes of talking to the woman in the financial office I snapped at her. I became angry. Leah attempted to calm me down and get me to check myself. For some reason, this only increased my foolish anger. I calmed down enough to work things out at the office, but the bitter taste of anger remained in my mouth and my attitude worsened. Leah bore the brunt of my emotional state I am ashamed to admit. I snapped at her. I raged against self-restraint creating a dangerous energy that scared my wife. She has been blessed to have escaped witnessing what I was like  when anger boiled just below the surface of my life at every moment and fueled almost all of my actions and reactions.

Most of that anger was quelled when I took my first fifth step. More died later as I learned how to better recognize and release resentments. But some, obviously, has not yet been rooted out and dealt with well enough to completely kill it. The anger would surface, and I would deal with it, cutting off everything I could see, but the root remained, growing under the surface to pop up later, stronger and more resilient. The situation that happened Friday also happened at the end of August, only less severe.

I got angry, snapped at a receptionist and allowed my anger to frighten my wife. Not liking how I effected Leah, I looked at the problem, realized I was wrong, prayed, released that anger and made an amends to my wife. But I didn't find  the root. I didn't find the real cause for the anger. I never examined past seeing how I reacted wrongly to the receptionist. I didn't look at the strength of the anger and how quickly it surfaced, which indicated that it was something that had burned from an old and very hot coal rather than from a new match. Because I failed to deal with what happened properly and fully the fire rekindled to blaze again in less than two months, this time worse. I saw all of this Friday, but still didn't see the root.  I couldn't identify and therefore put out the buried ember.

I saw this Friday but only did enough to put out the surface fire.  I got calm.  I released the anger I felt, even cried a little though I couldn't figure out why, made amends both to my wife and the office worker. Then I  resolved to do a deeper inventory on the problem. After that I got busy with preparations for the surgery and other excuses and put my revelation of the problem that needed to be dealt with aside. In other words, I kept driving with the check engine light on simply because the gauge was no longer in the red.

Though I have been diligent with my normal  spiritual routine during my recovery from surgery, I haven't gone back to this underlying issue. This morning three of my daily readings had anger as the topic. God has gently nudged me back to the ash pile so that I can remember that under the surface an ember still burns. I need to put it out.

Something happened  in the office Friday morning and the time back in August that emotionally acted as a time machine. Instantly I returned to prison. The prison of anger, but also the material prison of my past. Mentally and emotionally I felt exactly how I felt in similar situations during seven and a half years of incarceration. My fight or flight response was triggered. For years flight was not an option. That only left fight, and fight I did, even when I knew that the result would not be good. I knew I couldn't win, but I would go down fighting rather than surrender. This is not a good attitude to slip into for someone who has learned that surrender is the key to victory.

Friday morning I  felt this huge weight press against my chest and breathing became difficult. Tears fell slowly. At the time I couldn't figure out why. This morning as I responded to the nudge to deal with this anger before it flares back to fire I realized what triggered my tears. At one point while we worked through what was happening together Leah said, "I'm sorry that you felt like you were being treated like a number rather than a human being." Somewhere in this observant statement and the emotions birthed from  it  is the key.

Obviously there are still resentments from my prison years unreleased, hurts that have not healed and that I have not forgiven. Also there are very real fears that rise in me when I am devalued in certain ways. I  must release these things, forgive and allow God to heal my soul in these areas. But the ease in which this ember is blown into a flame is  proof that the coal burns hot and I can't put it out on my own. If I could, then I would have before now instead of putting out the flames and missing the embers beneath the ash. So I will do what I can this morning and schedule an appointment with my spiritual adviser to learn what I need to do to put out the fire completely.

My God is definitely big enough to handle any problem, even those that have festered under the worst conditions. Some have said I have PTSD because of my prison experience. But I know that God can heal even those kind of wounds. The main thing is that I need to get out of His way and let Him. I can't put off the needed maintenance and repairs. If I do, something will eventually break to the point where I can no longer travel the road of recovery. I have to make sure that this fire is extinguished before it burns me up and those I care about along with me.

I am grateful for the gauges that allow me to see what is wrong and what to do. But examination and seeing the problem is not enough. If I want to keep my spiritual car running and continue cruising the recovery road, I must fix and replace the damaged parts. Sometimes I can do this work under my own shade tree. Sometimes I need an experienced mechanic. This is one of those latter times. God grant me the serenity to accept the things outside myself that I cannot change, the courage to change the things inside myself that I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the wisdom to know that when I change the things within myself that I can, that though I have to do the work, it's God that does the changing in me and sometimes I need outside help to know what work I need to do and how to get out of God's way.

Fear Not?

Tomorrow morning  I go to the hospital to get pre-op tests done. I am so grateful that I was able to honestly say that I am clean and that there is nothing that the anesthesiologist needs to know about to prevent adverse reactions. That is both a blessing and a miracle. What is as big a miracle is that as the moment approaches when I will allow one man to send me into a reversible (hopefully) drug-induced coma and another man make a cut in my throat before probing around by my pulmonary artery to get a biopsy of the lymph node against it, I do not feel a need or desire to escape my fear. It's a fairly routine procedure and rarely are there complications associated with it, so why am I feeling so scared. Am I being over dramatic?

I do feel foolish, But I don't believe that I am acting like a drama queen. An article in the New England Journal of Medicine actually defines general anesthesia as a "reversible drug-induced coma." The article goes on to  say, "Nevertheless, anesthesiologists refer to it as “sleep” to avoid disquieting patients." I  have known how closely related general anesthesia and coma are since my teen years, and I am disquieted. It's foolish and strange, but while I have doped and drunk myself into oblivion and near death on more than one occasion, have taken a handful of pills offered by someone only asking after they were down, "What was that?," and I have trusted chemical combinations in my body that God never intended to flow through human blood. But general anesthesia scares me.

There have been two types of time periods in my life when death has not frightened me. The first was during brief times of faith in God and assurance of His love for me. The other, and more frequent unfortunately, came during times of such deep despair and misery that escape from the  pain became all I longed for, even the ultimate escape of death. But coma, coma scared me senseless. The last thing that I ever wanted was to be immobile, trapped within my own mind. Trying to escape the prison of my own mentality is a big part of why I began drinking and drugging in the first place. I spent years trying to get out of my head. The idea of being trapped in there scares me more than I realized before it became clear that I need to have this mediastinoscopy. I realized this morning that this fear is the true reason behind years of insisting on having a do not resuscitate order. There are things that have always frightened me more than death, and this is one of them.

There are times when it becomes real to me that the fearless and thorough inventories I have done were completely thorough. Logically I always know this. There are things I don't remember. There are things that don't come to mind until some situation rises them from the mists of memory. This morning I tried to figure out why I felt such fear about the procedure I am having Monday. I realize that if it had come to mind during any of my inventories, this wold have been close to the top of my fears list.

So while I am grateful that the desire to escape, the urge to drink and or drug has not manifested, I don't like being afraid. I know that when I am afraid I have not accepted some aspect of God's will for my life or have taken back some part of my will and life from God's care. Either I am not accepting what He is doing in my life or I'm trying to run the show again.  Neither option is healthy for me spiritually or good for my recovery. If I stay afraid long enough, I will seek escape. Fear is a prison in which I refuse to be incarcerated in for long. I like horror movies and roller coasters, but I do not like to truly be afraid. I will seek to end the fear, escape it, or overcome it.

The big fears, the ones that mess with my mind and steal my serenity, I am incapable of gutting up, facing, and overcoming them on my own. I am powerless against them. But there is One who has all power - that One is God, and I need to find Him now because if I can not overcome by His power and His might, then the siren call of chemicals sings that she knows the way of escape.

Another thing that I have to be grateful for is that I have learned to deal with fear on the road to recovery. I spent the morning, after my usual prayer and meditation, doing a mini-inventory on my upcoming surgery because I grew more and more uneasy the moment I said let's do it to the doctor. I examined myself honestly and closely and discovered the fear that I wrote of earlier.

The word discovered seems wrong somehow. I have mentioned more than once over the past few days that I would feel better about the surgery if I could be awake during it, if they could use nerve blockers and locals rather than putting me under. Since I know the idea of feeling better to be awake during is crazy and also that I honestly meant it, the fear should have been obvious. I have admitted fear of going under, but I didn't realize how strong and deep that river cut through me, the power it has over my emotions and ability to rest and trust God.

I listed the evil and corroding thread that is tying me into knots. I asked myself why I have this fear. As much as it shames me to admit it, it is simply failure to trust God. It effects my security. There are areas where I still want to be self-reliant. Going under I can not pretend to be even a little bit in control. My life, more importantly my ability to wake up, is in God's hands and the anesthesiologist. Self-reliance not only fails me here, I must surrender it completely.

But I have learned there is a better way to live than being self-reliant. What I need most is to remember that I am now living on the basis of trusting in and relying on an infinite God. I am here to play the role that He assigns, and come Monday He has cast me in the role of patient who places all in His hands and the hands of a trained stranger who does not want to get sued for screwing up. I prayed and asked Him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be.

Today that is a good husband. That is a son who is a blessing to his parents rather than a hardship. A friend who can understand the fears others are facing and can listen and help instead of focusing on his own situation at the expense of helping others. That is an alcoholic and addict who has recovered of a hopeless state of mind and body and has found a solution that doesn't involve oblivion and chemicals who can use a God-given talent for expressing things in writing to share his weakness, experience, strength and hope. Today I am called to be a man who can release self-reliance and trust in God and perhaps help inspire others to do the same.

Just like in every area of my life, when I deal with fear I am sure to fail if I try to be God. I will succeed only if I trust God. How am I trying to be God? Because I want to know and control the future outcome.  But the power to know and control the future is something God has, not I.

Yes, I am afraid of being in a coma. I am afraid that they'll put me in under and not be able reawaken me. But those are only surface ripples. Under them is the true fear that is causing the waves. The fear of uncertainty. I can not know exactly how this is going to go. What will happen. What they will find (a lesser but real fear as well). But God has proved to me that He is with me and for me. He wants me to trust Him, and I need to do that.

More than 100 times in the Bible God commanded people "Don't be afraid." All through the scriptures as people faced crisis God's first response was to encourage them to fear not. But God is a loving Father, and He will never ask of me anything  that He will not provide the power to accomplish. I don't need to muster up faith within myself and from my belief. I must surrender even more to His care and allow Him to do the work.

After praying and thinking about this fear in particular and fear in general this morning, I have come to the simple conclusion that I would rather have God know and control my future than me. I make a lot of mistakes, some of them horrible ones. God doesn't. He doesn't make mistakes at all.  Even when I know what to expect or what should or will happen I sometimes make the wrong move, decision or choice. God never does. I don't have the power to truly control myself, much less others and situations outside myself. But God has all the power in the universe that He created.

Still, I sometimes have trouble trusting Him. It's one of my character defects that proves only that I am a human being. It's human nature to want to be in control, to want to be lord of my life. On one hand I have my stubborn will saying fight for your own life, do it your way, never surrender. On the other I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to my soul and saying, "Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid."

The first argument has never led to anything good in my life. The second idea, that I should recognize Christ in my life and trust Him has never failed me when I submitted to it.  I may be powerless, but I do have a choice. I can let fear dance me around like a puppet, or I can cast my cares on Him who cares for me. My security is in Him, not in myself. My past failures and present victories through Him over alcohol and drugs and other areas have proved that.

When I'm trying to obey that command to fear not, when I need to rip the thread of fear from the fabric of my life, willpower alone just doesn't cut it. I can try to squelch our fearful thoughts, but they just keep popping up, like a ball held under water. Two things are necessary.

First, I have to acknowledge that fear is too strong for me, so only God can handle it. I have to turn my fears over to Him, remembering that He is all-power, all-knowing, and always in control. Second, I have to replace a bad habit—fear thoughts—with a good habit, namely prayer and confidence in God. I may be able to switch thoughts with lightning speed, but I can't think of two things at once. If I'm praying and thanking God for His help, I can't be thinking about fear at the same time.

I felt near-panic yesterday morning. The fear came and went throughout the day, but when it came it grew. This morning it felt like a weight against my chest. The Big Book promises that as we realize our need to rely on Him and pray, our fear will immediately begin to decrease. I can not say that I am not in the least afraid of going under now, but I can say that I am much less afraid and have more peace about the procedure than I had before I did my inventory and things have improved even more as I wrote this. I may have this fear rise back up before Monday, but I can recognize it now for what it is and know what to do about it.

Fear is a lifelong battle, but God is our lifelong Protector. He promised to never abandon or forsake us. When we are secure in His love, nothing can snatch us from Him, not even death. By holding tightly to God, no matter what, we can make it through, without any or in spite of our fear. May the peace that passes all understanding keep your heart and mind through Christ Jesus, and may you walk the recovery road in serenity.