Thank You Dee.....

This morning I woke up feeling blessed and extremely grateful as I reached a new mile marker on the road to recovery. Today is the first time that I have had 16 months clean and sober since 1984. I'm not bragging, because I didn't do it. I couldn't. Nothing short of the grace and power of God could give me the ability to stay away from that first drink and drug. Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord, and He was surely correct. Only a spiritual solution ever worked to keep me sober.

But moments after I got up- feeling so grateful I saw something that saddened me. From some posts I saw on Facebook I deduced that a friend of mine had died. When I went to a noon meeting, another good friend confirmed the news. My friend Dee went to be with her Creator. While this is wonderful for her (she'd been fighting cancer for over a year and is now free from that pain), the part of me that remains selfish and self-centered ached. I hate that she's gone. Maybe now she knows exactly how much she means to me and how grateful I am for her. I couldn't express that gratitude to my satisfaction while she was alive.

I thank God for Dee. She supported me more than anyone I can think of when I first walked into the rooms. She grabbed me by the hand and drug me to my first sponsor. She spent hours with me sitting on her couch, talking and watching TV so that I'd have a safe place to hang while I white knuckled the early days of sobriety. She was the common factor in my getting to know one of my best friends and future sponsees. I spent several nights on her couch when I felt afraid that if I stayed home alone I would not be sober by morning. I did step work with my spiritual adviser at her house and did my first fourth step on that couch I mentioned. More than once, Dee was the instrument God used to keep me from going back out. She fought for me, and when I found recovery, she sent newcomers my way so that I'd have someone to help. You can't keep what you don't give away.

I love Dee, and I feel she helped God save my life. I knew this day was coming, but it still hurts in that selfish little corner of my heart. I'm going to miss her. But the part of me that is not selfish and self-centered rejoices for my friend. She ran her race. She died sober, even after a long battle with a painful illness. She's totally and completely free. She will be quoted and used to inspire people in her home group for years to come I'm sure. Way to go Dee! You won! You did it! I owe you so much that I can only repay by folowing your example and helping those who walk through the doors. Living a life of service to the alcoholic and addict is not easy, and it won't bring riches or glory. But it will bring love and keep me sober. How do I know? I saw it in Dee's life.

Don't Strive, Surrender

I've been thinking about several things that I read this morning. I read several different daily "meditations," and I usually agree and get a lot out of them. Obviously if I have a daily reading source that I disagree with a lot, I stop using it. But this morning, I had the interesting experience of agreeing at first, and then almost vehemently disagreeing as I mulled over and chewed on what I'd read.

"'If thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.' The eye of the soul is the will. If your will is to do the will of God, to serve Him with your life, to serve Him by helping others, then truly shall your whole body be full of light. The important thing is to strive to attune your will to the will of God, a single eye to God's purpose, desiring nothing less than His purposes be fulfilled. Try to seek in all things the advance of His kingdom, seek the spiritual values of honesty and purity, unselfishness and love, and earnestly desire spiritual growth. Then your life will emerge from the darkness of futility into the light of victory."

That is one of the meditations I read this morning, and as I stated earlier, I agreed at first. It looks good and right from the surface. But maybe by spending some time really thinking about what it says and the implications I "tested" the spirit of the writing and found it to be untrue. "The important thing is to strive to attune your will to the will of God, a single eye to God's purpose, desiring nothing less than His purposes be fulfilled. Try to seek in all things the advance of His kingdom, seek the spiritual values of honesty and purity, unselfishness and love, and earnestly desire spiritual growth." This is where I see a problem.

I don't believe it is spiritually sound for me to strive to align my will with God's. For one thing, Step 10 promises say that by this time I have ceased fighting ANYTHING OR ANYONE. Striving to align my will with God's is a fight. I am fighting against my old nature to try to do what I know is right. It sounds like a good idea, but it is still fighting, so something must be off. So I thought about is some more and realized that for me to strive to align my will with God's implies that I can do that. I can't. If I could change my will and simply align my will with God's I would not need Christ. By trying to do that myself, I am trying to control something I can not control (and have no business trying to control if I have done a true Step 3 and turned my will and my life over to the care of God).

That's just it. I am not to strive to be good or right or align my will. I am to turn my will over to the care of God. Quite simply, my striving won't make me a good person. Been there; failed at that. But my laying my will on the altar and allowing it to be put to death gets me out of the way of my High Priest. It creates a void in me where God can then place His will within me. I don't have to fight or strive. I simply have to surrender. Not by might nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord.

Anytime I look at a spiritual idea as though there is something I can do under my own power to get closer to God or to walk with Him, I am heading of the path and onto a slippery slope that can only lead to destruction. If I strive to align my will to God's, it won't be long before my selfish will decides it has a better idea than my Creator has for me. But if I give my will to God, then He gives me the power and desire, by grace, to do His will. A subtle but important distinction.

Pursue God Before Trouble Starts

I have been thinking that I need to update my blog, but then I feel like I don't have anything to say or I get distracted. I have slipped into "I'll do it later" mode, which is not good for me. Things get away from me when I do that. A couple of I'll update my blog laters and it's been over two months. How did that happen? Procrastination.

Procrastination is not good for me. It makes life so much harder, but most importantly it makes it easy for me to get lazy and let things slide. Oh I don't need to pray right now, I can do that later. Right now I want to.........When I begin putting off the things I know I need to do because I don't really want to do them at that moment or because there is something else I'd rather do, then I have taken my will and life back from God. I am failing at step three. It means that in little ways I have begun running the show and calling the shots again. And that is a quick way for me to start messing up.

I can't allow things in my life to slide until I begin to struggle in areas that I have already been given victory over. It's so important for me to pursue God with a passion that rivals the desperation of a drowning man. I have lost my sense of urgency, and that bothers me. I am not sure exactly how that happened, but I thank God, that I began to see and sense this loss of urgency before I got off the road and started trying to make my own path through the wilderness of life.

Seek first the kingdom of God and the other things will be added to you, but I can't get so comfortable with the other things that I stop seeking. What's great is seeing this, I am not down on myself or beating myself up. I am simply seeing the need to cry out Lord, make me desperate for You. Also I am grateful that I see the direction things have been sliding before a real problem exists. In times past, putting off my relationship with God in the slightest way would have me full blown out of control running on self-will and drunk or high in little to no time at all. Now I am feeling the need to draw closer to Him, before I ever think of a drink, and long before I turn away.

Because I haven't turned away. I have continued to pray daily. I spent the weekend with my wife's family (including her father, who I hadn't spoken to since he made it clear that he'd rather I not have a relationship with his daughter over a year ago) and leaned on God heavily to prepare my heart for the time, and to guard my attitude while there. The trip went well, and I am grateful for it. I have continued to try to do the next right thing, to practice patience, love and tolerance. No, I have not completely neglected anything. What I am talking about is a simple change in desperation. In a few little areas I have put things off, I have begun to go through the motions. I don't want that for my life. I want to live, not merely exist. I can't have that life worth living while coasting. I have to run, to pursue, to strive toward relationship and service. God, I thank You for helping me to see where I am weaving my way across thin ice before it even begins to crack. Make me desperate for you before the crisis, so that the crisis can be avoided and I don't turn you into a 911 God again.