Thank You

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. I will enter His gates with Thanksgiving in my heart.

The above reminds me to be grateful and how important gratitude is to my life in general and my relationship with God in particular. The Big Book tells me that Step three, to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him, is the keystone to the arch of freedom that the road to recovery passes through. Everything hinges on this. Without it, the rest of the program rings hollow and lack of power remains my dilemma. Experience has shown me that without maintaining my relationship with God, I can not stay clean and sober, and I resubmit my life to the bondage of self.

But how can I trust God enough to turn my life and will over to Him if I can not or will not acknowledge and be grateful for all the blessings that are already in my life. If I can't see the good things in my life, how can I appreciate what God has done for me? I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart tells me that gratitude is the security badge for getting into the gates of the Creator. I don't have to bow a certain way or a certain number of times. I don't have to scrape or humiliate myself. I don't have to perform some mighty dead or be perfect. All I have to do is be thankful for what my Father has done for me.

I didn't sleep last night, but surprisingly I feel more rested than I have in some time now. I lay in bed last night at peace enjoying the presence of my wife beside me. As I watched the clock work its way toward the moment it would sound the alarm I felt so blessed. Usually, I would have been cursing my lack of sleep. I would have become frustrated and angry. Last night I didn't. I reflected on all the amazing and wonderful miracles and blessings I have received over my lifetime and especially in the last year. I listened to Leah's breathing and thanked God for what little rest she was receiving and prayed for more for her because I knew that she was not sleeping well either. I simply soaked in a spirit of gratitude. It was a restful experience even without the sleep, and I am thankful for it. I don't believe I have ever quite experienced that before.

Last night I shared my story at a meeting. Our past is our greatest asset if used to help others, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I am sick, and barely could function. Several friends and family members were praying for me. I prayed in the bathroom moments before time to talk. I had one break from the painful coughing, stuffy congestion and misery. It was when I got up to walk to the podium until I set back down. I got a little tickle in my throat a couple of times and had to take a drink of water, but that was it. For about 45 minutes it was almost as if I wasn't even sick. It still amazes me to see God do for me what I can not do for myself. I still need that affirmation that God can give me the power to do what He wants me to do, when I can in no way muster the strength on my own. All it takes is surrender and agreement that if He wants me to do it, I can, regardless of what the outward circumstances tell me. Praise be to God for the miracles in my life and for another day of recovery and relationship.

Reflections

I thank God for an earthly father who lives an example of Christ-like love and gave me an understanding of the concept of mercy, love and forgiveness rather than hatred, rejection, fire and brimstone. Because of this I can believe in forgiveness from God, because I have seen it in my earthly father I can believe it from a Heavenly Father. I can accept the philosophy of progress not perfection and release myself from the bondage of legalism and expectations I set too high for myself.

The above paragraph comes from the end of a blog entry I wrote a year and a day ago. I had started the day messed up and ended the day sober. The next day, May 17, 2010 I started my first new day free from alcohol and drugs. I have not had to change or enhance the way I feel with drink or drug in one year today, and that is truly a miracle. I refuse to beat myself up over my relapse today. Instead I am going to take this reminder from a year ago, accept the forgiveness of my Creator, forgive myself (again) and thank the Lord for the miracle of the past year.

So much has changed for the better in the past year. I regained my sobriety with a better understanding of and foundation in my program of recovery. I have been blessed with the amazing love and relationship that enriches my life today more than I ever imagined possible. If anyone had asked me a year ago today if I'd be sitting in my home happily married today I would have said no way. First I never believed I would have that blessing in my life again, and a year ago I was such a mess that I never believed recovery and stability could come as quickly as it did. But I have been blessed of God, and really, how long does it take to be raised from the dead? Only as long as it takes me to be willing to let God do whatever He wants and need to do to breathe the life back into my soul.

My name is Dalyn, and I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. I am free today of the obsession to use alcohol and drugs, but more importantly I am being set free, slowly but surely, from the obsession of self. Self is the barrier that creates distance between God and me, and every bit of freedom I have today is in direct proportion to how much of my will I turn over to God. Jesus said essentially that if I want relationship with God, I must die to self, set self aside, and follow His example of servitude, sacrifice and love. My program of recovery tells me that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of all my problems and the ability to get out of self through conscious contact with God, service to others and cleaning up my side of the street is the way I find recovery of mind, body and spirit.

My selfishness tells me that to do those things means giving up my life, and it's right. But my experience shows me that when I lose my life I find a new and better life full of freedom, joy and peace. A little over a year ago I was almost ready to die and doing a good job of trying to make that happen. Today I have a better life than I ever imagined I could have. I am not special. I am not unique. God could and God has and God will do for anyone what He did for me. The solution is simple, although not always easy...surrender self to the One who has the power to give life and life more abundantly and let the love of Him who is love fill every hole and empty place. After that, fear flees and healing is birthed.

You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness and clothed me in happiness. Psalm 30:11 ncv