Serenity

My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. I don’t like this but it’s true. Another thing that is true is I have not tasted much of the fruit of serenity lately. Some of this has been my fault. Some of this is a result of finding myself in the midst of chaos I did not cause nor could have prevented. The last week or so needs a new word to describe it, I don’t think chaos is quite extreme enough to adequately describe it.

And yet, through it all, I know God was with me, helping me, guiding me to the next right step each time a choice had to be made. I may not have had the serenity I wanted but there was a calmness in my soul whenever I would allow it. I could laugh at myself. I started this saying I have not had much in the way of serenity lately, and I repeated that statement in this paragraph, and yet, I realized just now that I have. I have had more serenity than I could imagine possible in the circumstances and more than I understood.

I am fond of saying that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Well, neither are serenity and peace. I may be misunderstanding both peace and serenity, but I see peace as calmness in my life and soul. An absence of fighting or feeling the need to flee. I remember a shirt I saw once that I loved that said, “Serenity is not the absence of the storm but peace in the midst of it.” I had forgotten that truth. The past week or so has been an amazing object lesson for me on the subject.

I did another fourth step as I saw the chaos building. Not going back again, that wasn’t necessary. But I needed to cover the events and feelings and reactions that have occurred since I completed my fourth a few weeks ago. And yes, I finally got over to see my spiritual advisor and do my fifth step from both fourths. I think she could have bopped me on the head for waiting so long, but maybe I needed to come out the other side so that I could see the things I am seeing now.

In all the chaos and strife and threats in my life lately, first and foremost I have not once wanted or felt the need to find comfort or escape in alcohol or drugs. Thank you God, and thank you program. Second, when I refused to allow myself to react as I normally would have and wait a while before doing anything, then the next right thing to do became obvious at each juncture. Once I did that next right thing, the path became a little more clear. The chaos stepped down a notch or two. I trusted that I would be ok, and I found myself less afraid. In the valley of the shadow of death and destruction and chaos, I did not fear the evil I felt crowding in on me, because I knew that God was and is with me and that things would be ok and how they needed to be no matter what happened. I am beginning to understand that that is the very definition of peace and serenity. I am thankful for this lesson.

I also fought back my expectations at every opportunity. Because of that, I have been blessed with more restoration than I thought possible. There is the chance for even more, but if nothing is restored that has not already been I will be ok. It is enough that I have my relationship with God, my family and my recovery. Everything over and above that is bonus material. And even in the midst of everything, I have been blessed with quite a lot of bonus material lately. Today I am thankful, grateful if you prefer, for the hell that allowed me to see just how close to heaven I truly live now.