Respecting boundries and limits

I told someone recently that I feel like a tall dog on a short leash. I understand it and am trying not to complain about it or rebel against it, but the collar still chafes. Yes, I deserve it. In the months before I went back out I became more and more self-focused.

“Selfishness--self-centerdess! That, we think, is the root of all our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (p 62 of the big book)

The first part describes me, the second accurately portrays the result, and the last part is simply the truth. I put myself in a position where I destroyed a lot of the trust I had built up, where I took people I care about for granted, used them, hurt them, stolen trust and faith and time from. Now I am having to jump through some hoops to prove that I am willing once again to place others before myself, to treat others as equals and valuable and not as less than me. It may take a while, and it will frustrate me and annoy me that I have made it where I have to do this. But I am grateful that I have this chance to jump through hoops for those I care about. They could have simply cut me out of their life this time, like so many before. Today I am grateful for all the love I have in my life, even though I don’t deserve it. I will gladly do what I need to do to show my appreciation to those I love.