Let The Wind Blow - A Study On Fear

As I wrote in my last entry, I am struggling with fear at the moment. In some way or another I have struggled with fear for the vast majority of my life. Even at times when I “proved I had heart” and impressed those who respect courage in the face of violence in prison I was consumed by fear. I want to be free of it, but I don’t just want to understand how to beat or push away the effects of fear. I want to learn to trust God regardless of whether or not I am afraid. As the saying goes, serenity is not the absence of the storm (and fear) but peace in the midst of the storm. Perfect love casts out fear, and so I know part of the answer is to get as close to perfect love, God, as I can.

But knowing this truth hasn’t shown me how to put it into practice. I decided to take a closer look at the subject of fear. It is important to me right now because it is the giant I am facing at this moment with my pocket full of stones, but it’s also an important subject because of its prevalence in most of people, especially addicts, on one level or the other.

Fear is used more than probably anything else to motivate. We use it on ourselves. I can’t do this impulsive thing I want to do because if I do such and such might or will happen. Fear as motivation is where we get the mostly useless phrase in the rooms of recovery to play the movie through to the end. If I want to drink or drug I’m supposed to think about all the bad things that will lead to and scare myself out of the craving. If it works, then will power would have been sufficient. If it doesn’t…But I’m not writing this to talk about the strange mental blank spot or what it means to be a real alcoholic or addict. I’ll just say that for the “real” there will come a time when scaring yourself with the consequences and playing the movie through will not work.

Parents use fear to keep children in line. Disobey and there will be painful consequences. If you get foolish with a BB gun you might put an eye out. God help you if you run with scissors. You get the idea. Cops use fear to coerce confessions, and guards use fear within prison to maintain control and gather information. Politicians use fear to get votes. Preachers have even used fear to spread the gospel. Instead of the message of grace and the good news of God’s love for us they scream of hell fire and brimstone.

We are taught in science and health classes that fear is a good thing and key to survival. Fears and phobias keep psychiatrists and therapists in full time employment. Fear is addictive. Once it is triggered, we keep coming back for more. But over 60 times the Bible says "fear not." And that is a reminder that like in so many other ways, when it comes to the subject of fear, God’s ways are not like ours.

So as I face and struggle with serious fear I want to try to forget what I know. I need to look at overcoming fear from a spiritual and scriptural perspective and see it as God does. Fear can act as a spiritual plague in my life, and overcoming fear can be extremely difficult. Some of us have to deal with fear on a daily basis. I am not alone in this struggle with fear. Not only are there thousands upon thousands of people who face this issue today, but there were many people in the Bible who also had to deal with fear and learn the principles in overcoming fear. I have to believe that if God said “Do not fear” so many times in scripture that there is a path to freedom from fear and anxiety.

As I searched and studied this issue I found some principles for overcoming fear. Spiritual principles are so much better to me than formulas. Walking with God and living a spiritual life is not about rules or formula’s, but instead it is about a personal and intimate relationship with our Creator.  It is God who has the power and authority to handle my fear. So it stands to reason that the principles for dealing with fear also deal with our relationship with Him. It is in the cultivation of that relationship that I will find my own personal path to overcoming fear. And since God is no respecter of persons, what is true for me is also true for others.

The perfect love principle in overcoming fear.

1 John 4:17-19 (HCSB) "In this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment, for we are as He is in this world. There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us.”

Love expels fear. In this case it is talking about the fear of judgment and punishment. The primary point of this passage is that love casts out the fear of judgment and punishment. However the principle is greater than that. There are many types of judgment that people fear. Not only do some people fear the judgment of God, a fear that even believers can face at times, but there are people who fear the judgment of family members, or peer groups, or society and culture in general. I have feared all of these, and my reaction to that fear has often led to destruction in my life. In each of these cases, love will expel that fear. When I understand that my heavenly Father is not sitting in heaven with a big hammer ready to smite me on the head for messing up, when I truly grasp and believe that truth, then I lose the unhealthy fear of judgment and punishment.

 When I get a glimpse of how deep and wide and unconditional the love of God is, then I don’t have to be afraid of some meanie behind the curtain. And it is when I can understand the security of God’s love for me and acceptance of me that the fear of judgment from family, friends, and even society falls away. It doesn’t matter. The reason I fear the judgment of others is because of the fear that I will lose their love or that they will no longer accept me. When I come to understand that I have the love from the one that matters most, the one who will love me unconditionally with no strings attached, then the fear of losing love from others diminishes and I am on your way to overcoming fear.

So how can I apply this principle? I need to come to an understanding of how much God really loves me. It’s easy to understand that Jesus loves the world and died for whosoever. It’s even easy to believe that Jesus loves the other people in my life, but it is not as easy to understand how much Jesus loves me personally. When I lose sight of the truth of God’s love, I need to start asking, seeking, and knocking on the Lord’s door and asking Him to show me both in His word and in my personal life how much He really loves me. Last night as I worked my tenth step before going to sleep, I asked Him to reveal His love to me. This is a prayer that I need to pray regularly for as long as I struggle with any doubt or fear concerning God's love for me and whether or not He is working His best in my life for my benefit. I have to remember I have a personal relationship with Him. Not only do I need to let Him know that I love Him, but I need to hear it back. Just like in a marriage relationship, not only do we need to express love, but we need to know we are loved as well.  Ask Him to show you how to see and know that the love He has for you is real.

The trust principle in overcoming fear.

Psalm 56:11 “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?”

Trust. That’s a huge word. I have so much problem trusting. This is largely due to the fact that I have put my trust in people and been let down or betrayed and the simple truth that I have myself been untrustworthy for the majority of my life. But trusting God is not the same as trusting people. It doesn't fail. He’s not trying to gain our trust so that He can get one over on us, or use us in a bad way or cause us harm. As scary and as hard as it can be at times, trusting God is essential.

It is God who created in us the ability to feel fear. In its proper balance and place, fear is a healthy emotion. I have heard in the rooms that there is no such thing as healthy fear, but that simply isn't true. It is a reflex that helps us protect ourselves from danger. It causes a flight response where we run from the danger or gives us strength to fight it. Fear of being bit by a poisonous snake keeps me from trying to handle Copperheads. Fear of being hit by a car causes me to look before I step out into the street. But when fear becomes unhealthy it causes us to flee from anything that might cause us any risk or to try to fight everything and everyone.

There is a difference between risk and danger. Danger is encountering a mountain lion, and healthy fear causes us to flee to safety. Risk is taking a hike in an area that mountain lions live. Unhealthy fear would cause us to stay at home because of the risk. One is a fact, while the other one is a possibility. If I am to overcome fear I have to understand the difference between the two.  Overcoming fear is just as much a battle of the mind as it is a spiritual battle. Unhealthy fear fills the mind with all the negative possibilities to the point that it triggers a flight or fight response. I flee from the risk even though I am not truly in danger.

King David understood this principle. He spent years fleeing a real danger of being killed by his predecessor King Saul. He had a price on his head. David learned the difference between real danger and imagined danger. He did this by putting his trust not in his own ability to protect himself but in God’s ability to protect him, even though he didn't always understand why God allowed certain things to happen. Many of the Psalms are David’s prayers to God seeking why things happened the way they did and why God would allow certain things, but always in the end, David would place his trust in a sovereign God.

Reading through some of those Psalms this morning I am reminded that when I am afraid and confused about things going on in my life (why would God place in my heart a call to ministry only to let me face such a serious and potentially deadly health issue within a few months of that? For example) it’s ok to question God. There’s no sin in crying out “Why?” But in the end, “why” doesn’t matter. I, like David, need to put my trust in God who is in control and sees the whole picture.

In my battle in overcoming fear I have to understand that my fears are based on the desire to self protect. I am trying to keep myself from being hurt. I have to release control. I am going to have to turn control of whether I am hurt or not, even whether I die or not, to someone else. That someone is God. I have to learn to trust Him, not only to keep me from harm, but when harm does come (and it does), I have to trust Him that it was for a good reason that I may never totally understand this side of eternity. To lose fear, I have to let go of the instinct and desire to protect myself from pain. I have to accept that pain also has a purpose in my life.

The principle of Hope in overcoming fear.

Psalm 143 (HCSB) “Lord, hear my prayer, In Your faithfulness listen to my pleas, and in Your righteousness answer me. Do not bring Your servant into judgment, for no one alive is righteous in Your sight. For the enemy has pursued me, crushing me into the ground, making me live in darkness like those long dead. My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all You have done; I reflect on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; I am like parched land before You. Selah. Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Don’t hide Your face from me, or I will be like those going down to the Pit. Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go because I long for You. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I come to You for protection. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground. Because of your name, Yahweh, let me live. In Your righteousness deliver me from trouble, and in Your faithful love destroy my enemies. Wipe out all those who attack me, for I am Your servant.”

David was losing hope, and he also became paralyzed with fear. There is a direct correlation between the level of hope I have in my life and the amount of fear I experience. When I don’t see a future for myself then everything negative becomes magnified. I don’t see progress or a plan and purpose, all I see is the bad things that happen, and anybody who always has bad things happen will get fearful. We need to understand that God does have a hope and a future for us. David was being hunted down, and his enemies wanted to kill him. He was getting tired and discouraged. He became honest with God and told Him how he was feeling. In verse 8 (“Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go because I long for You.”), he talks about three things. He needed to know he was loved. He placed his trust in God and not in what the circumstances were. He placed his future and his plans in God’s hands. He gave himself and control of his life to the Lord. I have to place the outcome of my future in God’s hands if I am ever to be successful in overcoming fear. I have to hope in His plan for my life.  In verse 11 he asks that God would preserve his life so that God would get the glory. I need to place the outcome of my future in the Lord’s hands and let it be His reputation on the line as far as the outcome. Instead of worrying about whether or not it is going to work out, I can place that worry and fear into His hands. He has promised a hope and a future, that His plans for me are for good and not bad. It is time I took Him at His word. It all comes down to where I am going to place my trust and who I am going to give control to.

Jeremiah 29:11 (HCSB) “’For I know the plans I have for you’ – this is the Lord’s declaration-‘plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’”

The key, I am learning, to overcoming fear is running when I become afraid, running to God. It in is the truth of His love for me, in His power over every situation I face, of His purpose for good that I find the ability to trust Him. When I trust God, I am wrapped heart, mind, body and soul in His perfect love that casts out fear. Standing firm in my relationship with a powerful God who loves me I find that I can face my fear without fleeing it or fighting and just let the wind blow.

Below is an awesome song, "Let The Wind Blow," that reminds me how to handle the storm.

Fear And Learning To Trust

I hate fear. I have never been courageous, not in my own mind at least. My past is a street littered with wrong reactions to being afraid. I have fled when I should have fought and fought when I should have fled. I have drank myself stupid and drugged myself into oblivion to escape feelings of fear and the anger I didn't want to feel that always seems to accompany my fear.

Saturday afternoon I sat in the room and spoke about how fear had crept back into my life, bringing with it the ghosts of some old resentments. Resentment can not be separated from fear in my life. When I have been resentful there has always been an underlying source of fear, and whenever I have been afraid for long, resentment was birthed. I had not noticed that I had taken some of my old resentments back and given them life again. I had not realized that I had grown  afraid again until I had to start looking at why I had been reacting out of anger the last few days.

Examining the feelings that were stirred up at the death of my friend John gave me insight into the deeper truth, and since I wrote about that earlier in the week I won't expound on it here. I felt grateful to have been given insight into what was going on in my heart and mind. I saw what I needed to do to get back to where I need to be spiritually. The first and most important thing was place myself fully in the arms of God and trust Him, trust Him with my past, my present, my future, my family, my hopes, dreams and calling.

Today I am even more grateful for that revelation. I have learned how to trust God in a lot of ways and areas, but in truth I am a novice at the whole trust thing. I need to learn more, practice more. I need to get to intermediate level, if not expert, and fast, because I am afraid. And let me repeat, I don't do well with fear on my own. Thank God I'm not on my own.

Yesterday I went to a noon meeting. I enjoyed a beautiful ride into town on my motorcycle. The sun was shining, the wind felt fantastic, and Sixx A.M.'s Heroin Diaries serenaded me all the way in.  I praised God for the opportunity to make a meeting and  the nice ride as I got off my bike, filled my Danish freehand with my special blend of pipe tobacco and headed for the door. There was a newcomer and a few short timers so the "What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now" topic was a good  one, and I felt grateful for the opportunity to be of service with my experience, strength and hope. About ten minutes before the meeting closed, I left early to pick up some stuffed potatoes and meet Leah for lunch.

During the meeting, the sky had changed. The clouds had grown gray and heavy. Within three blocks I felt the first sprinkles of rain hit my face. I pulled onto North St and road into a serious rain at the edge of the college campus. The road was wet and slick and the one-o'clock traffic heavy. I've been in a few motorcycle accidents, and they aren't fun. I managed to buy the bike on credit around the time I got off parole, it was my celebration of freedom. But my old helmet deteriorated to trash during my stay with the state, and I have not bought a new one yet.

So here is another example of reacting wrong to fear. Afraid of riding on a slick, wet road congested with traffic, I decided to turn off and take side streets. Traffic in front of me was at a stand still in both northbound lanes. Even though it was a block and a half from the light, it appeared that the red light caused the blockage. I was wrong in that assumption. The two vehicles at the point of the street exiting campus onto North St. had stopped with enough space to let drivers on campus pull through. I didn't see this as I pulled into the turning lane and moved forward toward the turn I was about to make. I had slowed down, thank God, but not too slow since the Southbound lane was clear. At the speed I was going, probably around 15 to 20 mph I would be able to make the turn without having to stop to wait for traffic to clear.

The Southbound clearing of traffic gave another driver the feeling that she too was good to go. I don't know if either of the two drivers who stopped short of the side street for the light waved the other driver on or just left room, but  she pulled between them and the cars ahead and attempted to pull into the turn lane in preparation for merging into the Southbound lane. This poor girl, who had just started classes for the semester that day, had no way to see me coming down the turning lane. I had no way to know she was coming. I moved from behind the stopped SUV in the left lane into the turning lane, and when I was at the driver's door I saw this little black car appear from in front of the SUV moving into the turning lane. I had half a car length to get stopped on a wet road, and that was if the other driver got stopped pretty much instantly.

I was screwed. I applied the brakes and felt the bike slide forward toward the car without slowing down. It felt as though I actually began to speed up. I just love wet city streets with their years of oily build up. In an instant I saw how this was going to go. I saw the bike's front tire slamming into the front bumper of the car head on, I saw my forks and the car's front end begin to crumple, and I saw my body going over the front of the bike, sans-helmet, airborn with nothing to stop me before the car's windshield. I made eye contact with the girl driving the black car, and her wide eyes told me see had the same vision.

I leaned to my left and yanked the right side of my handlebars putting the bike on its side and said a prayer. "Oh God, please keep my head off this pavement and make sure the bike hits the car." The last part of the prayer was in no way wishing ill on the other driver. The way the law used to be in Texas if a car pulled out in front of you and you laid your bike down in an attempt to not die, if the bike didn't strike the car that pulled out, the accident was ruled a single vehicle, rider's fault situation, and you got a ticket for failure to control speed. If your bike even bumped the other vehicle it was their fault for failure to yield right of way. Sound stupid?  I always thought it did, and evidently the state agreed.

At some point between when I had my last bike and when I wrecked my current one, that interpretation of the law changed. I thank God for that, because it appears that bike slid to a stop a few inched from the front bumper of the car. As the bike slid on its side I put my knee on the street, making sure that the direct impact with the road would pull my leg free from the bike, keeping me from being drug and burned by the sliding motorcycle. It worked, causing me to be thrown clear, but of course that presented other problems. I tucked my chin to my chest and tried to relax. My left elbow hit pavement, and then my left hand, and I tumbled to a stop.

My head never struck anything, and I didn't so much as stub a toe, which is another miracle considering the fact that I was wearing sandals. A leather jacket and gloves might have prevented  the road rash on my elbow, arm and hand, but it's not bad. My hip and back on the other hand hurt like hades.  I can barely walk, and there aren't any positions  that are close to comfortable for more than a few minutes.

The bike didn't appear to be damaged too badly, my sunglasses disappeared during the tumble, and I'm not sure at what point my earbuds went missing. The ipod my step daughter gave my wife miraculously survived the blow to my left side, and I thought I had made it through  relatively unscathed as well. I got up, nodded yes to the people asking if  I was ok, fell and got back up. I wobbled a bit but didn't go back down and suddenly there was an off-duty paramedic at my side who also rides motorcycles. I am grateful for the care and concern this stranger showed me.

He walked me over to the side of the road while assessing my injuries. I texted my wife to let her know that I  had been in an accident but was ok, all the while telling the man that I was ok and didn't need to go to the hospital. I couldn't tell if my bike actually hit  the car or not, and since I have no health insurance and liability only on the bike, I felt afraid to go to the hospital. I can't afford it. I just about had him convinced that I was fine when I hit send on the message to my wife. About two seconds later my back said screw you, and I crumpled to the ground in pain. I couldn't get back up.

Soon the ambulance and paramedics arrived, and I got a ride to Trauma Room B. Pain washed over and through me like acid rain, and my left leg kept going numb from the knee down. A few X-rays and Cat Scans later showed no internal bleeding and no broken bones. I will  be sore, but my initial assessment was correct. God blessed me, and I made it through the wreck relatively unscathed. There was nothing trauma related that the ER doctor was concerned about other than my pain management. The hardest parts of the event up to that point were trying to get in contact with my wife and making myself say the words, "I'm a recovered addict, no narcotics please," when everything within me wanted to beg for something to relieve the pain.

In the 90's I lost a friend in a motorcycle wreck. At the time I was a photographer for the local paper, and Brian's accident was the first fatality I pulled up on to photograph where I was friends with the victim. As soon as I saw his bike I knew who it was, and I  have never been able to get those images out of my mind. But as much damage as that death did to me, it did more to people I love. Brian was a friend of mine, but he was also Leah's brother. She never road with anyone again until years later she climbed onto the back of my bike. I had sent her a text telling her I was in a wreck and then collapsed without access to my phone. I felt horrible about the fear I knew this would cause her. When the Sgt. from NPD came by do what he needed to do, a very kind  and professional cop for whom I am grateful, the last thing he did for me was get my phone from  the pants so I could reach out to Leah. I had eight missed calls from Leah and my mother. Leah's voicemail scared me more than the wreck. The wreck produced terror for her, and I hurried to call her, let her know where I was and that I was OK. Once she arrived and stood by my side, one of the two hardest things up to that point were over. I could see her love for  me, and she could see I would  be OK.

Mom prayed for my pain and the doctor gave me Toradol, a non-narcotic, non-addictive pain killer.  It's not as good as Demerol, but it  seems to work better than Ibuprofen, so the other hard part was handled as well as it could be.

But while the doctor didn't see anything that concerned him from the wreck, the Cat Scans showed something else. The lymph nodes in my lungs are a mess. There's a problem, and of course. worst case scenario is cancer. He told me  I needed to get it checked out. Suddenly there was a new worst part of the day. Trying to keep a right attitude and spirit I added the motorcycle wreck to my gratitude list. If it is cancer, we have caught it early. That wouldn't have happened without the wreck. If it's not, whatever it is still needed to be discovered and dealt with.  Gratitude helps, but fear began to grow anyway.

My father-in-law, a doctor, looked at the Cat Scans with my wife this morning. He is very concerned, which is never good news. It appears that best case scenario is a slow growing TB. I was exposed to TB often during my stay with the state, but I was also tested yearly. It always came back negative. Now, and I never thought I would do this, I am praying that I developed TB after that point but before my release.

I have to get another TB test done asap. If that comes back negative, it's biopsy time, which if only my nodes in my lung are effected is a tricky and expensive procedure that I can't begin to afford. And if it's cancer, well things go downhill from there, early discovery or not.

I have to remind myself that it's progress not perfection and that my character defects have not all been removed. The ghost of the man I was is still inside me, I just catch him more quickly when he does his zombie act now. I attempted suicide in October of '99. It's a miracle it didn't work, and that made me angry at God for a long time. The attempt came after I committed my crime, and a month after I got out of the hospital they arrested me. I felt so betrayed and angry at God. Why would He save my life, refuse to let me die, just so I could go to prison? Well, He didn't save my life so I could go to prison. He saved my life to give me yet another chance to find relationship with Him and have a life worth living.

But this morning, that old way of thinking reared its ugly head. God, did you give me a life worth living so that just when I finally feel happy and like my life I can die a slow and painful death? Was is all just a tease and a practical joke? Here you go, have a taste of how it can be before I yank the rug out from under you? But no, that's not who God is, and that's not what He's like no matter what foolishness my fear spouts.

I forget sometimes. I get afraid sometimes and wonder where God is and what He's up to.  But I have learned that He loves me. That is true regardless of how this turns out. If I live forty more years or four more months, I have been blessed. I used to despise my life. I felt angry God wouldn't let me die. Now I want to live. I dream of growing old with my wife. I would like to experience this life worth living for at least as long as I experienced life that wasn't worth living. But what I want most is to enjoy whatever time God blesses me with in relationship with Him, in fellowship with Him, in service to Him and in a way that brings Him glory and blesses my wife, family and the people I meet who are still suffering and hurting searching for a solution.

Still there is fear, and I hate that. I want to trust God. I want to better know how to trust Him. I want to be able to "Fear not," and hear my Father say, "Peace I give to you, not as the world gives (or drugs and alcohol give), but as I give...a peace that passes all understanding and that can not be stolen or taken away, even at the threat of or point of death." I know that if I trust Him, He will not fail me. I will continue to have the life worth living that I have grown to love, no matter how long or short that time is. Now, I just have to figure out how to do  what I know to do. And keep praying for forty more years or so.

Forgive Us As We Forgive

I really felt the need to continue my study of the Sermon On The Mount, especially since I am in the middle of the Lord's Prayer and an area that I have been needing to look at within myself lately, the subject of forgiveness, I have read that this clause, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive them that trespass against us," is the turning point of the prayer. I agree.

We have acknowledged who God is in the scheme of things and in our lives. We have acknowledged where our supply, the answer to our every need is found. And now Jesus moves to the next critical point of our spiritual relationship with the Father, forgiveness.

Sin describes a broken relationship. a breach of trust, the result of a selfish value system. To pretend that we have no areas that fall into this area is the height of denial and the very definition of pride and self-delusion, But it is easy to fall into that fantasy world where I can see everyone around's me sin but somehow become blind and oblivious to my own, at least until the consequences of living selfishly and separating myself from communion with my Creator catch up with me.

In order to make the request found in the Lord's prayer we have to first acknowledge our need to be forgiven. I don't need a one time wiping clean of the slate but a continual washing. As I walk in relationship with God, turning my will and life over to Him, and practicing the spiritual principles I have learned in every area of my life, selfishness and sin loosens its hold over me. But there is still sin, areas of selfishness and character defects that have power in my life and need to be taken seriously.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives. My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But is anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." I John 1:8-2:2

If I look at myself with rigorous honesty I must face this problem. I have to see the areas where I have lived as though there is no God, or if there is a God that He has no control or part in that area of my life. Where have I acted as though I am in control of my own will and life? Where have I attempted to gain what I want or to meet my own needs with my own power and without regarding God's will for my life or how my actions will effect others? Where have I been selfish and self-centered?

In parables Jesus made it clear that we can not be one who is forgiven so much and yet refuses to give mercy and forgive those who owe us. I have heard in the rooms to remember that as we pray the word "as" is like an equals sign. We are praying to God and asking Him to forgive us in the same way and manner that we forgive others. If we are to acknowledge God's love for us and ask Him to forgive us where we have missed the mark and fallen short of the goal, we must extend this grace and forgiveness to everyone who may have injured us in any way regardless of intent, regardless of whether they did something or failed to do something.

Jesus didn't teach us to say forgive me and I will try to forgive them, I will at some point forgive, I will pretend to forgive. He taught us to pray forgive me as I  forgive them. I can not request or demand my release for guilt while holding onto my right to hold another accountable for his or her guilt. I have to rid myself of all resentment and condemnation of others and of myself. If God has forgiven me, what right do I have to continue to flog and punish myself for the past?

Forgiveness is not just something for me to receive. It must also be offered. Going back to the equals idea of the clauses, this is not just something that I've heard in the rooms of recovery, it is there in the word. Even so, there is no way that we can earn forgiveness by anything we do, not even by forgiving others. We can not earn forgiveness credits by forgiving any number of others, great, small or total. Forgiveness is by God's grace through Christ, not by any merit we have. But unforgiveness can block God's blessing in our lives.
There are actually two Greek words used here. "Forgive us our sins" uses the common Greek noun hamartia, "sin, miss the mark." In the next phrase, "for we also forgive everyone who sins against us" the word "sin" translates the Greek verb opheilo, "owe, be indebted." We've all met people who feel that everyone "owes" them something; those who hold a grudge are something like that. I know that I am guilty of having lived with that attitude, and I highly suspect that all of us who have found ourselves enslaved by drugs and alcohol have felt this way. They nurse a hurt, a slight, a sin until it separates them from the person, and from God Himself.

I have seen many people who wonder why they aren't experiencing God's fullness. I have been one of those people. At the bottom of this is a root of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness toward someone who has hurt them deeply. The key to freedom is forgiveness. Setting others free means setting myself free. Holding resentment against someone shins me to that person. It gives them power and control  over areas of my life, and limits me. I am no longer free when I am unable to forgive. Why would I want to attach myself for life to the people who have done me the most harm? Why would I let them have power over how I feel and act? Instead of belonging to God, instead of turning my will and my life over to the God who loves and cares about me, I have now given part of my life, if not all of it, and my will, how I will act and react and feel, over to the care of people who have already proven themselves at the least unable to properly care for me at all times and at worst are actively trying to hurt me. It's like hiring a bodyguard that I know it is either incompetent or has been paid way more to see me dead.

But how do I do it? How do I forgive the unforgivable? The pain and hurt and injustice that has shredded and nearly killed me and in which I have used the anger I have over it to fuel my very being for years...how do I let that go? The key is willingness. I don't have to at first figure out how to break the glue that binds resentment to my heart, but I only have to be willing to have that glue broken. Willingness to forgive is actually the biggest part of what we have to do.

We can pray and declare to God that we fully and completely forgive the person who has harmed us. We declare the matter released and let go. The case against this person is closed forever, just as the case against me is closed because of the grace of God. We cast the burden of resentment upon Christ to carry it or let if go as He wills, but we will no longer carry it ourselves. We declare the person free of the debt to us and us free of the bondage of holding their debt against them. Then thank God for forgiveness and freedom and move on.

When the person or incident comes to mind and brings pain or anger once more, we simply remind ourselves that they are forgiven by us and by God as we are. This is a closed case, and there is no need to reopen or reexamine it. Then we pray a prayer of blessing on the person. Pray everything for them that we want for ourselves. We show love. Wash, rinse repeat as necessary. How long will this take? Who knows. It varies. But if we do it faithfully, the resentment, the feeling again of hurt and anger, the unforgiveness trying to rise from the dead will occur less and less until the matter is gone from our heart and mind forever. The freedom and peace that will come to take the place of resentment is well worth the price of releasing our right to be mad.

A Dear John Letter

"Those who do not recover are people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover, if they have the capacity to be honest."

I have an image in my mind of a skinny man in a hat that would fit well on most blues guitarists. His yellowed fingers fiddle with a cigarette or maybe a piece of gum as he tried to cut back. He's reclined as much as possible in a metal folding chair, and, here's what I remember most, he looks me in the eyes and smiles with his entire face as he sees me come in the door. The seat changed. Sometimes he wasn't leaning against the back of the chair.

Occasionally he wore a baseball cap that proudly told of his service to our country. Sometimes I beat him into the room and it was he who walked in. But what always remained the same, no matter what was going on in his life or with his health was the way he caught my attention, looked me in the eyes and smiled in a way that left me no doubt that he was glad to see me there.

I have been blessed to find true care and concern for me inside the rooms. There are several people who  have gone above and beyond to make me feel a part of, to show me they truly care, and to help me get and stay clean and sober. But few have made me feel as cared for as John. His smile which always made my heart feel like the clouds broke and the sun shone down on my inside gave me more strength than realized until I heard the news that I would not be seeing it again.

John taught me the importance of the quote I opened with. I didn't always agree with him, but I knew I could trust that whatever he was telling me was what he believed was truth. He was the first man I met who talked openly of having received a two year sobriety marker and then publicly changing his sobriety date because during the first year he had been on the marijuana maintenance program to help him stay off everything else and keep the demons in his mind at bay. He spoke with me about the relief he had after he not only stopped that treatment and started working what works right but came clean about it. He taught me the power of honesty through example and by the freedom and strength I saw that he derived from it.

About three years ago I rode up into the parking lot of the club house on the motorcycle I had just purchased. It felt so good to be on two wheels again, and John, who was standing outside and saw me ride up noticed that. He always saw me. "Looks like you loved the ride," he said to me with that great smile.  The next time I saw him he handed me a little gremlin bell. It has the American flag on one side and the words "Ride Free" on the other. He told me that he wanted me to stay safe while I was riding but that even more than that he wanted me to remember every time that I heard that bell jingle as I rode that I was riding free, not in the outlaw sense that I had always associated with ride free or die but truly free, free to love and be loved, free to have relationship with God, free from prison in my soul and mind as much as physically, free from the bondage of self and the chains of addiction. That little gift has given me so much, and I am grateful every time that I hear it to know that I am riding free. Want to talk about a gift that keeps on giving.

After 15 months clean and sober I relapsed. During the time that I was back out I had to take that gremlin bell off my bike. I've heard people say there's nothing worse than a mind full of program and a belly full of booze and a bloodstream toxic with chemicals, and I can attest to the truth of that statement. But I can also testify that hearing that bell was worse. Every time I heard it the hypocrisy of my life hit me full force. I had sent myself back to the worst of prisons and slavery, and I could not pretend to be free, not even on two wheels with the wind in my hair. With ever jingle of the bell an alarm sounded with the message, get back to where you belong, get clean and sober again or die. I took the bell off the bike, but I couldn't outrun or out ride the truth.

When I returned to the program John was still there with his smile. We talked for hours. I don't think I ever expressed how much he helped me find recovery again. John's smile and the way he laughed when he spoke of his Higher Power, who he chose to call "Bubba," will always be a special memory to me.

Yesterday morning I lost another friend. I am grateful that it was not drugs or alcohol that took him away. He lived the last years of his life free, and he died free. But loss is loss, and I hurt.

I know there are others who were closer to John than I and who hurt more. But I'm an addict, and it's all about me. I can't see past my own pain and fear at the moment. I'm not sure where the fear is coming  from or the anger it is producing in me. I am so sorry that Leah had to suffer seeing me twist in the winds of that anger yesterday. I realized this morning that some of that anger, maybe most of it, was a product of guilt.

I haven't made a meeting in about two months, and part of the result of that absence is being isolated from my recovery friends and what is going on in their lives. Basically if it isn't posted on Facebook, I don't know about it. One of my dearest friends of the last three and a half years became sick, entered a VA Hospice and died in three weeks, and I never knew anything was wrong. I wasn't there for him. I feel that I have failed the friendship test, but I also know that John wouldn't and didn't hold my absence against me. If he thought of me at all, which is unlikely considering what he was going through and the fact that it really isn't all about me, he would have only hoped that I was doing well. That's all he ever wanted for me.

I also feel guilty because I owe him photos. He hired me to take some photos of him, and I enjoyed the day very much. I got some images of my friend that I love and kept for my portfolio. He loved them as well, and paid me in advance for another session. He was supposed to call me when he was ready for those pictures to be taken, and I was really looking forward to it. The call never came. And now it never will. But I can make amends for that one. First by providing the 8 x 10 print that his sister wants to use for the funeral and then by finding someone in recovery that needs or wants some photos and giving them services the value of what John paid me.

Part of the anger came from self-pity rather than guilt. The news of John's death came days away from the birthday of a special Angel I lost years ago. I have lost over 50 people to the grave in my 41 years. Sometimes the weight of that loss hits me and I grow fearful that I will lose everyone I care about. Fear and resentment rear their ugly heads once again. The anger spews from their mouths into my soul and burns everything around me.

On top of that there are spiritual questions and feelings of condemnation. I know that they don't come from God, but I haven't shaken them yet. I need to pray on that one, and probably get some counsel from my spiritual adviser.

Mainly I am just sad, and 27 months clean and sober is not long enough, evidently, for me to get used to or comfortable with feeling my own emotions. I don't like being sad. And like a child who throws a fit when he doesn't get his own way, I still get angry sometimes when I can't escape feeling and facing the emotions and situations that I don't want to feel or face.

John always encouraged me to feel what I feel and to be honest about it, especially to myself. I try to live by that today, but sometimes it takes me a while to process enough to even be able to understand what I am feeling. As crazy as it sounds, I didn't even realize how angry I was yesterday until Leah pointed out how I was acting.  John taught me that just because I know my thinking it screwed up and or crazy doesn't mean it doesn't effect me in real ways. I have to acknowledge my thoughts and emotions and be honest about them, even as I fight not to let them control me and struggle to give them to God. And John reminded me often to "screw guilt." Guilt is a wasted emotion for the forgiven to feel. I must acknowledge my mistakes, learn from them, make amends when I can, but there is nothing to be gained and no progress to be made from beating myself up. If John taught me anything else it was the importance of being able to acknowledge and laugh at my own insanity.

So I will pray. I will cry. I will mourn the loss of my friend, and I will laugh at myself and the memories of my time with John. I will honor his memory by trying to be for others what he was for me. I will listen for the jingle of a little gremlin bell and let it remind me of a good and faithful friend and the fact that I am free. I will hear it, be grateful and smile.

Goodbye my friend. Thank you for all that you did for me and all that you taught me. Thank you for your smile.