Recipe For Relapse Preventionn

Believe that God can and will if He is sought. Add to that belief goodness by continuing to simply do the next right thing. Add to goodness knowledge and understanding. Add to knowledge brotherly kindness by cleaning up my side of the street and being of service. Add to brotherly kindness love...let love be the mark I measure every choice against, let it be my motivation and purpose. If this is how I live I will not fail or lack what I need to be of maximum service to God and others. Be sure to truly surrender and turn over my life and will to the care of God, for if I (or anyone else for that matter) do these things I will never stumble, never slip, never relapse. The above is a summary of II Peter 1:1-11 as applied to the addiction of self centeredness and all resulting addictions and bondage caused by obsession of self will. May grace and peace abound to you in the knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.

Getting Out Of The Way

"Hot on the trail of God's will, and getting warmer still. Got it together this time around. There's nothing to stop you now.

"Stopped by the slam of a door. God, what'd You do that for? Sometimes we just don't understand how He wants to let us in.

"When God closes a door, look for a window, oh look for a window. Don't stand at the door, there might be a window. Oh look for a window.

"Responsibilities change, and so do our pathways. One way God shows which way to go is to let the old road close...

"There's no point in getting down on yourself. God is only pointing you somewhere else."

The above are the lyrics to a song by Dallas Holm that ran through my mind most of the night last night. For a while now I have struggled with disappointment and attempting to delay what was becoming more and more clearly inevitable. I had already accepted things the way they were, or so I thought. I applied for work, knowing that as soon as that work was found, I would have to put my business, my dreams, on hold yet again, perhaps permanently. But I held off on the announcement and continued to take on the occasional customer. Fighting the shut down. The truth is that it became obvious to me last night that I had not accepted things at all.

When I am in the right place with God, totally surrendered to His will and direction for my life and my recovery is on track, then I find that I no longer struggle. No, I don't mean that things don't still go wrong or that life doesn't happen. I mean I don't fight my circumstances. I cease fighting anything and anyone. So the constant struggle within and without to hang on to my dream, to go out kicking and screaming if I had to go out, should have been my first clue that I had begun to run on self-will in this area in my life. I even began to compromise certain principles in order to try to make things work. When it comes to what you know is right, compromise is not a good thing. I told myself I couldn't do this or that because...but when I am honest with myself, that because was simply fear. A being driven, motivated and/or controlled by fear is another sign God gives me to enable me to see where I am running on self-will rather than His will.

Am I disappointed? Yes. At first, I tried to fight that emotion. I've been fighting against, trying to squash it and deny it for a while now, as I slowly saw where the situation was headed. I know that when I am disappointed, it means something didn't go or isn't going my way. I didn't get what I wanted. Since the most important principle in my life today is that God is the principle, and I am simply His agent, I know that my way doesn't really matter. I didn't want to be upset about not getting my way, because that means that I am not where I need to be on the most important factor in my life....there is a God, and I'm not Him.

But trying to ignore my disappointment or crush it doesn't change that I didn't get my way. I didn't. But last night, as the song above ran on repeat on my mental jukebox, I realized that I don't have to fight that either. God gave me the talents and gifts that inspired the dream. It's only natural that I am reluctant to let it go. I don't have to fight that. I don't have to fix it. I simply have to see it for what it is. I have a desire that God has decided that the time is not right for. It's ok to want what I want as long as I want what He wants more.

I know that if I follow His lead and direction than He will either take me to the place where when the dream comes true it is even better than if I had been able to make it work now. And that He will receive the glory for it. And I also know that if this is not a temporary delay, as I hope that it is, then He has something even better in store for me, that once again will bring Him glory and will fill my life with more purpose, satisfaction and serenity than having what I want now could ever bring.

So, I took a deep breath, practiced acceptance, ignored my fear and trusted God to catch me and care for me. I did what made it real, so that I couldn't fight it or run from it any longer. I closed the doors on my business and said Ok God, I won't fight You on this any more. I know that my happiness, my joy, my freedom, and my serenity is not based on any outside situation, such as doing what I want and love for a living. I know that my significance and value is not set by what I do but rather by my relationship with Him who created me.

This morning I have less fear and disappointment, but they are there. Still, I know that if I look for what God would have me do this minute and this minute only, they will fade even more. Eventually they will be destroyed. I trust that God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper, to live, and that His plan is better and more satisfying than anything that I could design. It might even include my own personal dreams, but for now, that's not important. The important thing is that I am getting out of His way so that He can give me everything that He wants to. Regardless of the outcome I believe that will be worth more than anything my selfish heart could ever desire. I am grateful.

I Shouldn't Be Sober

Recently I burnt some trash and had one of those experiences that I’m sure anyone who has had burn piles or gatherings around a bonfire has known. The wind picked up and then seemed to follow me wherever I went. When I got away from the fire the wind seemed to come from one steady direction. But whenever I got close to the flame, the smoke seemed to actively seek me out. It followed me around the fire as I moved to avoid it. The heat of the flame effected the air currents, and I could not predict which way it would shift next. I had only a guess as to which way to move to find a moment of relief before the winds shifted and the smoke found me again, making my eyes water and choking me.

Lately my life has felt much like the burn pile experience. Oh I am talking about it being rubbish that needed to be burnt up or that I feel like my dreams are once more being reduced to ash or anything like that. No, the truth is the last couple of weeks have been amazing and great for more reasons than I can mention. I am richly and truly blessed. In so many ways my life is better than it has ever been.

I have moved and am now in a place where there is less pressure and that Leah loves (at least in some ways). The trip to San Antonio so that Leah could watch her son graduate from Air Force basic training went so much better than I even hoped it would. I loved seeing the joy on Leah’s face from being able to spend time with her son and being able to express her love for him and feel his for her. I spent some wonderful time with Leah on that trip, visited for a few hours with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (a quite pleasant experience….I’m blessed with an amazing mother-in-law that I love and who, for reasons only God knows, doesn’t feel her daughter married disgustingly below herself as I often feel), I had the blessing of being able to eat lunch with my new (I still consider myself a newlywed) step-son and his fiancé (a true blessing indeed…he has a good father who loves him and who he loves, so I felt especially grateful for being included and given the opportunity to get to know him), and I could go on about several other blessings from that trip. A week later and another trip provided more visiting time with Leah on the road (get the idea that I enjoy traveling, especially with Leah?) and a wonderfully amazing day with her and her daughter. Dinner, bowling, visiting and laughing over youtube videos gave me a chance to get to know my step-daughter a little, and I rejoiced over it. Leah’s children (feels weird to say that when they are both adults) are amazing and wonderful. She and Brad did good there.

I wanted to give Leah and her daughter some time to visit just the two of them, so I found a meeting in Burleson. I had an awesome time visiting that particular group, and the time was fully focused on recovery. Along that subject I have recently added three men to those I work with on the road to recovery, and I so love seeing the light come on in the eyes of those discovering the steps to freedom.

On top of those blessings and so many more that I left out (like my friend finally finding God this week), the greatest miracle sits like a cherry on top of my gratitude list. I am sober today and have not needed to change the way I feel with a drink or drug in over a year. There’s no rhyme or reason for that to be true outside of God. The simple fact is with all the smoke and heat in my life lately, blessings I’m grateful for notwithstanding, I have absolutely no business being sober today. That’s just not who I am. I praise God that it is however who He is.

I haven’t updated my blog in a while, and I spent perhaps too long talking about the things that I’m grateful about for the reader to understand why I say that. I will not go into the list of all the things that have crashed against and over me the past few weeks that nearly buried me in the rubble and ash. How it seemed to blow up yesterday morning even worse, and hope fled from me. But basically all those blessings become little more in my life than patches of blue sky seen through the smoke blinding me. As the smoke of circumstances swirled around me, chasing and overcoming me wherever I turned, and the heat of my life and certain plans burning, I began to choke on self-pity and found myself cut off from the fresh air of the Spirit.

For a moment yesterday morning I slipped so far back into self and self-pity that I actually had the thought that I knew how to make the pain stop and quiet my ever-growing fear. I knew where I could get a bottle. I could make it all go away. Instead I cried as I drove. Cried tears but also out to God. I prayed the only prayer I could muster at the moment was simply, “Oh God, I’m fucked. Help. Oh God, I’m so fucked. There’s no way out. Help. Oh God.” But while I was feeling and saying that there was no way out of the downward spiral I had fallen into, I knew in my Spirit that there was. I was crying out to my only way out, my only source of strength and hope. A few minutes later and not only was the idea of grabbing that bottle long past, but I was able to pray better. I prayed about my fear, my anger, and even my hopelessness and self-pity. I found freedom, although I still had the stench of that smoke of self-pity, anger and fear clinging to me for several more hours.

By late afternoon, I used what I had gone through that morning to try to help another alcoholic and addict who still suffers. Don’t know if what I said was heard or helped much, but I felt free and happy and peaceful once more before the sun had set. The day ended much better for me than it began, and that is always a good thing no matter how the day starts.

I found peace, freedom and salvation as I cried in the morning. Another did not, and in the pain and hopelessness of self-pity ended the fight. As I wait to find out about funeral arrangements, I can’t help but wonder why I was saved and she was not. But I am grateful that as I cried out on the road, “Son of David have mercy on me!” that He did. I can’t explain why some find recovery and some don’t, but I know that as I cling to relationship with He who has all the power that I lack in myself I find victory and freedom and peace that I have not earned and do not deserve. I have no business being alive and sober today, but I am. And so I thank God and share what He has done for me so that others may know that they can find grace instead of the grave.