Yesterday morning started so amazingly. During my morning meditation I received a phone call that blessed me beyond measure. The gratitude I felt set my mind in the right direction and focus, and the events and situations of the day followed my mindset. Funny how often that seems to happen. When I start my day focused on the right things and add a healthy dose of gratitude my day goes so much better.
But last night I nearly threw that positive feeling out the window. For a short time I set down my spirit of gratitude and picked up my old bag of guilt. I cradled it to my heart like a long lost friend. Yes, I am still sick.
I went to a time of fellowship with my second family to celebrate with a few of my nearest and dearest who had sobriety birthdays this month. It was a wonderful time, full of encouragement and blessing, right up to the point where I slipped into self-centeredness and self-pity. The self-centeredness began as I lost sight of the simple fact that last night's events were for and about my friends and there accomplishments. It wasn't about me. Yet, I started thinking of myself. This was mistake number one.
It happened so easily I didn't even realize it at first. I started by feeling empathy for someone very special and important to me who I assumed (because I did not ask...mistake number two) had a rough time because this person would have been celebrating a birthday also had a relapse not occurred. I thought, "That has to be hard. I know how [they] feel, because if I hadn't gone back out, I would have two years two months tonight, rather than nine months." That was all it took. That little look at myself and how I would be justified in feeling bad about it was all it took. My mind was off to the races. Self-pity took the lead.
During the fellowship, one of the celebrants who also happens to be one of my dear friends, mentioned that because of everything that had been learned from the experience they were grateful for a previous relapse three years ago. As soon as they said that I had one of my "I want what they have" moments. I want that gratitude and self-forgiveness. But I couldn't have it and carry my guilt bag, and in just a few short moments of self-pity, I became very comfortable with my guilt bag. It felt like the perfect accessory that went with everything.
When I got home, I shared my feelings with my wife. I even mentioned that a small part of me was dreading May, because I didn't feel I had a right to celebrate a sobriety birthday until I reached year two. I have already celebrated a year. After all, you're not supposed to celebrate the same birthday number over and over until you turn 39 right? My wife looked right at me and through me and asked how long I was going to carry that guilt around. I answered honestly that I didn't know. I try not to, but sometime I pick it back up for a while.
She looked at me with love and understanding and said one of the best things about relapse I have ever heard. Shit happens; don't let shit happen again." I laughed, but the truth is that there wasn't anything funny about what she said. Those words were the life changing truth that I needed to hear. The past is gone. If I try to carry it around in my guilt bag, I will only make myself sick. I will eventually damage my program of recovery, nullify the promises that have come true in my life, and make myself vulnerable to yet another relapse. I will have set myself up for shit to happen again. That is definitely not what I want in my life today.
No, I have not reached the place where like my dear friend I can say that I am grateful today for my relapse, but I don't have to wallow in regret or carry a bag full of guilt with me everywhere I go. I am working my program diligently. Through working a 12-step program of recovery and grace from God, I have rebuilt 9 months worth of length on my road to recovery. The truth is that my sobriety at nine months today is much more stable and complete than at nine months the first time. It would seem that I needed to tear that stretch of road up and rebuild so that my early miles could be as strong and secure as possible. I didn't realize it at the time, but I missed something the first time around. What I missed lead to faulty construction further down the road, and at about 15 months a bridge beneath me collapsed.
Today things are better for a few reasons. One, I know that my sobriety is more stable and secure this time around, based on journals from the same time period. I am better able to serve my God, my family, my fellow alcoholics and addicts, and whoever else God directs me to be of service to. Also, I know have experience in another area that I can share with someone else. My mistake doesn't have to be shit stinking up my life. It can be fertilizer that helps others, as well as myself, grow. Also, I set down my guilt bag. God gave me a spiritual fashion lesson. Despite how I felt when I picked it out, guilt bags don't really go with any of the spiritual outfits that God has given me. It doesn't look good, feel good, or even provide a useful function. I know my God, and He has forgiven of much worse than a couple month relapse. It's time for me to forgive myself as well. I know that there will come a time when I truly do not regret this area of my past nor wish to close the door on it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Truth Just Might Not Set You Free
I have heard it said in conversation, in the rooms of recovery, and even from pulpits in churches. I have even said it myself and by doing so furthered a dangerous deception in my own life. Said what? How many times I have realized something about myself or God, shared it, and then had someone, maybe even my own thoughts say, "The truth shall set you free!," I couldn't tell you, but it is that one sentence I am referring to here. The truth shall set you free.
That the truth shall set us free is seen by many, including at times myself, as some Promise from God, Spiritual Law or FACT, or even as some psycho babble self-improvement mantra tied into knowing yourself. This sentence went through my mind this morning, and the falseness of it just cut me to the quick. So, I meditated on the truth about the statement "The truth shall set you free." And yes, I said falseness, but please bear with me and hear me out before casting stones against my heresy.
The statement as used when quoted as follows, "The Truth shall set you free," is a concept that permeates many of our lives in many ways. It was even quoted in "Star Trek." It's a concept we're familiar with, and I call bullshit. It's not true. For those who are having scriptural issues at the moment, I will address that, but first let me continue with the statement just being wrong.
The truth, in and of itself, can not accomplish anything. It certainly won't set me free. I have said about my relapse that there's nothing worse than having a head full of recovery and a belly full of rum. It's misery, and I imagine a few heads around "the room" nodding in agreement. Why is that feeling so miserable? Because I knew the truth and wasn't free. Because knowing what I needed to do and still not doing it made it feel even worse than just failing to stay sober did.
Truth received, believed, accepted, responded to, and acted upon can effect freedom, but not simply knowledge of the truth. Faith without works is dead. Knowledge without works is both dead and quickly forgotten. It changes nothing.
I can know the truth that I have won some money, but unless I claim the prize my life will never change because of that knowledge.
I can know that truth that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life is unmanageable. But unless I then take the responding action of believing that God is more powerful than the chemicals and can manageable my life and then surrendering my life to Him, without the response and action, then knowledge does me no good. I continued to drink and use and mess up my life in other areas and ways as well.
So what's the big deal? So the need to act is implied, so what? One, my experience is that there have been times when I have had a revelation of truth in my life then sat back and waited to see that knowledge, that truth, change my life, change the way I thought, acted, felt and responded to and about my life. I fell into a trap. I got the knowledge but failed to act because I slipped into the belief that the knowledge of truth would set me free. Two, actually, the idea is not implied, it's stated and we all have just been editing it out.
The truth is that if you're going to quote statements about truth, you really should take the time to make sure you have the quote accurate. The quote I've been referring to is false simply because it stands as a complete statement in the context of knowing the truth setting you free, when it is not that. Taking it out of context changes things. Sometimes it is even quoted as "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Has more words, must be closer to right. Well, part of the quote previously left out is now there, but I feel this is worse. Now it is no longer just misunderstanding that leads me to believe wrongly that knowledge will set me free. It says unflinchingly that you know the truth and the truth will set you free. Knowledge equals freedom? Hasn't this lie been around since Adam and Eve?
The quote actually reads as follows: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:31-32
The semicolon demands that these two sentences go together as a complete thought. And it makes a difference. Generally speaking it means if you are continuing to do as instructed you are disciples (disciplined followers) of the instructor. Then when something is wrong in your life, when you're presented with a choice and you're not sure on your own which way to go, etc. you can look at it with spiritual insight and know the truth that will enable you to act rightly and do the next right thing.
But what happens when I don't have enough truth to effect change? How do I get more truth? Seek and you will find, I believe that with all my heart, but I think there's more to it. In my experience, there are times when I must apply what I have learned already before I can learn or understand anything new. Sometimes I have to act on the little bit of truth that I have before more is revealed, and as long as I wait for all to be revealed before acting I wait without change.
In the paragraph before last I wrote what the entire quote means generally speaking. I did that so I could say what I needed to and keep this as open to all who read it as possible. But even doing that is misquoting and taking out of context. This is not inside any room but my own house, so I will say what I want to say, and if you're offended quit reading. This quote says That if you continue to walk in relationship with the Word of God made flesh, then you are followers of and belong to Him and that relationship will cause you to know the truth about certain things (spiritual matters, situational matters, recovery matters, whatever matters, especially how to react and respond to knowledge matters), and acting on the truth and responding to the call to relationship with God with make us free.
So that's basically my experience, strength and hope on this quote. The truth has to be known before it can be responded to, so knowledge of the truth is important. But if the truth is known but not acted on, the only thing it ever produces is misery, pain and suffering. That's all I got for now.
That the truth shall set us free is seen by many, including at times myself, as some Promise from God, Spiritual Law or FACT, or even as some psycho babble self-improvement mantra tied into knowing yourself. This sentence went through my mind this morning, and the falseness of it just cut me to the quick. So, I meditated on the truth about the statement "The truth shall set you free." And yes, I said falseness, but please bear with me and hear me out before casting stones against my heresy.
The statement as used when quoted as follows, "The Truth shall set you free," is a concept that permeates many of our lives in many ways. It was even quoted in "Star Trek." It's a concept we're familiar with, and I call bullshit. It's not true. For those who are having scriptural issues at the moment, I will address that, but first let me continue with the statement just being wrong.
The truth, in and of itself, can not accomplish anything. It certainly won't set me free. I have said about my relapse that there's nothing worse than having a head full of recovery and a belly full of rum. It's misery, and I imagine a few heads around "the room" nodding in agreement. Why is that feeling so miserable? Because I knew the truth and wasn't free. Because knowing what I needed to do and still not doing it made it feel even worse than just failing to stay sober did.
Truth received, believed, accepted, responded to, and acted upon can effect freedom, but not simply knowledge of the truth. Faith without works is dead. Knowledge without works is both dead and quickly forgotten. It changes nothing.
I can know the truth that I have won some money, but unless I claim the prize my life will never change because of that knowledge.
I can know that truth that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs and that my life is unmanageable. But unless I then take the responding action of believing that God is more powerful than the chemicals and can manageable my life and then surrendering my life to Him, without the response and action, then knowledge does me no good. I continued to drink and use and mess up my life in other areas and ways as well.
So what's the big deal? So the need to act is implied, so what? One, my experience is that there have been times when I have had a revelation of truth in my life then sat back and waited to see that knowledge, that truth, change my life, change the way I thought, acted, felt and responded to and about my life. I fell into a trap. I got the knowledge but failed to act because I slipped into the belief that the knowledge of truth would set me free. Two, actually, the idea is not implied, it's stated and we all have just been editing it out.
The truth is that if you're going to quote statements about truth, you really should take the time to make sure you have the quote accurate. The quote I've been referring to is false simply because it stands as a complete statement in the context of knowing the truth setting you free, when it is not that. Taking it out of context changes things. Sometimes it is even quoted as "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." Has more words, must be closer to right. Well, part of the quote previously left out is now there, but I feel this is worse. Now it is no longer just misunderstanding that leads me to believe wrongly that knowledge will set me free. It says unflinchingly that you know the truth and the truth will set you free. Knowledge equals freedom? Hasn't this lie been around since Adam and Eve?
The quote actually reads as follows: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:31-32
The semicolon demands that these two sentences go together as a complete thought. And it makes a difference. Generally speaking it means if you are continuing to do as instructed you are disciples (disciplined followers) of the instructor. Then when something is wrong in your life, when you're presented with a choice and you're not sure on your own which way to go, etc. you can look at it with spiritual insight and know the truth that will enable you to act rightly and do the next right thing.
But what happens when I don't have enough truth to effect change? How do I get more truth? Seek and you will find, I believe that with all my heart, but I think there's more to it. In my experience, there are times when I must apply what I have learned already before I can learn or understand anything new. Sometimes I have to act on the little bit of truth that I have before more is revealed, and as long as I wait for all to be revealed before acting I wait without change.
In the paragraph before last I wrote what the entire quote means generally speaking. I did that so I could say what I needed to and keep this as open to all who read it as possible. But even doing that is misquoting and taking out of context. This is not inside any room but my own house, so I will say what I want to say, and if you're offended quit reading. This quote says That if you continue to walk in relationship with the Word of God made flesh, then you are followers of and belong to Him and that relationship will cause you to know the truth about certain things (spiritual matters, situational matters, recovery matters, whatever matters, especially how to react and respond to knowledge matters), and acting on the truth and responding to the call to relationship with God with make us free.
So that's basically my experience, strength and hope on this quote. The truth has to be known before it can be responded to, so knowledge of the truth is important. But if the truth is known but not acted on, the only thing it ever produces is misery, pain and suffering. That's all I got for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
