Serenity

My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. I don’t like this but it’s true. Another thing that is true is I have not tasted much of the fruit of serenity lately. Some of this has been my fault. Some of this is a result of finding myself in the midst of chaos I did not cause nor could have prevented. The last week or so needs a new word to describe it, I don’t think chaos is quite extreme enough to adequately describe it.

And yet, through it all, I know God was with me, helping me, guiding me to the next right step each time a choice had to be made. I may not have had the serenity I wanted but there was a calmness in my soul whenever I would allow it. I could laugh at myself. I started this saying I have not had much in the way of serenity lately, and I repeated that statement in this paragraph, and yet, I realized just now that I have. I have had more serenity than I could imagine possible in the circumstances and more than I understood.

I am fond of saying that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Well, neither are serenity and peace. I may be misunderstanding both peace and serenity, but I see peace as calmness in my life and soul. An absence of fighting or feeling the need to flee. I remember a shirt I saw once that I loved that said, “Serenity is not the absence of the storm but peace in the midst of it.” I had forgotten that truth. The past week or so has been an amazing object lesson for me on the subject.

I did another fourth step as I saw the chaos building. Not going back again, that wasn’t necessary. But I needed to cover the events and feelings and reactions that have occurred since I completed my fourth a few weeks ago. And yes, I finally got over to see my spiritual advisor and do my fifth step from both fourths. I think she could have bopped me on the head for waiting so long, but maybe I needed to come out the other side so that I could see the things I am seeing now.

In all the chaos and strife and threats in my life lately, first and foremost I have not once wanted or felt the need to find comfort or escape in alcohol or drugs. Thank you God, and thank you program. Second, when I refused to allow myself to react as I normally would have and wait a while before doing anything, then the next right thing to do became obvious at each juncture. Once I did that next right thing, the path became a little more clear. The chaos stepped down a notch or two. I trusted that I would be ok, and I found myself less afraid. In the valley of the shadow of death and destruction and chaos, I did not fear the evil I felt crowding in on me, because I knew that God was and is with me and that things would be ok and how they needed to be no matter what happened. I am beginning to understand that that is the very definition of peace and serenity. I am thankful for this lesson.

I also fought back my expectations at every opportunity. Because of that, I have been blessed with more restoration than I thought possible. There is the chance for even more, but if nothing is restored that has not already been I will be ok. It is enough that I have my relationship with God, my family and my recovery. Everything over and above that is bonus material. And even in the midst of everything, I have been blessed with quite a lot of bonus material lately. Today I am thankful, grateful if you prefer, for the hell that allowed me to see just how close to heaven I truly live now.

Image 91 ~ The Insanity of Hate

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Countdown to September and the start of COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!! GO Texas Tech and SFA!!!!

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Image 77 ~ Bath Buddies

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Image 74 ~ Goodbye to a Friend

My friend Mike became the seventh death I've had in my life in 2010. Since he died on August 1, that's an average of one a month, although it hasn't been that way in reality. In reality he was number three in a four day period, and it's been about a month since the one before that group. I shot Mike's marriage to one of my best friends, and the images used for the memorial program came from that. As far as I know it's the first time my images have been used with a funeral program, although as a photojournalist I have shot many images of scenes that preceded funerals. I always hated that, but this felt different.

I remember working with Mike last summer and talking about program and spirituality with him. Mike helped me to stretch myself, and he will be greatly missed. But while I feel so overloaded, like wave after wave of death is hitting me at high tide, I am not afraid of drowning. Through the ten deaths since December of last year, I have found my God able to keep me from drowning in the remorse, loss, and even guilt that has followed so many. What a change from the past and my attempts to drown away the feelings of ache and loss that come with death. I am so grateful for the steps I've taken that have led me to a place where I can face even death after death with freedom and serenity.

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Time to continue Project365

OK, I haven't posted any of my Project365 images in a while because Facebook is not displaying my images properly in the album. I will not add to any of my Facebook albums other than the profile pics until they correct the problem. But I have decided to go ahead and post them on my blog to keep from becoming any further behind.

New Day

I have been given a new day to live, to grow, to give love and to feel love. --Ruth Fishel


It is my only responsibility that I release resentments and fears to Him who has provided the tools for my freedom and to show the love that I have received to others. When I love the stranger and the friend, when I let the slights against me go unpunished and unavenged, when I reach out my hand to help another, when I forgive quickly and laugh from the heart, I can find my peace in service. No matter the circumstances I can be content....happy joyous and free.