The other day I participated in a discussion on the subject of resentments. It occurred to me that unresolved anger, unforgiveness, resentments held on to leave us raw and reactionary. I remember a time in my teens when I made a mistake with some gasoline that cause it to explode up and around me. I quickly realized that I had covered my upper body and face with second degree burns. I felt pure agony.

My burnt skin became so sensitive that everything caused sharp and burning pain. Things that normally felt good suddenly became distressful. The Air conditioner made me ache as the cool air on my skin provided a sensation much like being cut. But when I turned the AC off, the heat on and from my body made me burn, and the sweat running down my body tortured me. There was nothing I could do to find a position and environment that provided comfort and relief. I quickly fought that discomfort with chemical aid.

I mention that story, because I think that’s what resentments do. When I hang on to the hurt and anger, to my right to play the part of the victim, and to the justification of the wronged and abused, I fill my life with a toxin. Unforgiveness in my life and heart poisons me in a way that leaves my emotional and mental nerves raw and exposed. Now the least amount of stimulation, even things which should be positive and feel good, suddenly cause me pain and discomfort in a way that causes a reflexive reaction that I can not control. It happens before I can even think about how I should respond. I have already reacted. The reaction is almost always either flee from whatever I feel causing pain or fight, strike back, hurt whatever or whomever is hurting me.

Thinking about this made me realize that fear is the same for me. When I allow myself to become filled with fear I lose my ability to think clearly, to make rational, wise decisions. My mind becomes like a raw nerve where any situation can leave me totally paralyzed or fleeing in a blind state of panic. How many times have I stayed in a wrong or unhealthy situation because the possible dream mixed in with the unknown and risk felt more frightening than the hell I lived in? How many times did I latch onto the first possible avenue of escape from my situation willing to settle for anything different in the hopes that different could also mean better? And as crazy as it sounds, how many times have I attempted to do both at the same time for the same situation?

When I live in fear I can not ever be satisfied with any current situation. I look for danger, for the bottom to fall out of every good thing in my life. I find myself constantly looking for, hoping for, wondering about the possibility of better. But when I am able to trust God, release my fear, and live in the now, then I can experience the present in a way that involves peace, joy, hope, and other such positive rarities. When I am not afraid then I can move on to the next phase of my life because that’s what needs to happen, not because I am terrified to stay where I am at. Or I can stay in situations through difficult times because I know that I am right where God wants me today and not because I am paralyzed by fear and unable or unwilling to do anything else. I can wait for direction because I am not panicked. Or I can move on command without hesitation knowing that I trust my commander.

That makes sense to me, but for some reason I find it so difficult to practice. So many of my nerves are still raw, made doubly sensitive by both resentments and fear. I know in order to deaden those reaction producing nerves I need to let go and forgive and trust God. The perfect salve is available for my needs, but sometimes I forget to use it. When I find myself wanting to make quick decisions because something happened or someone did something, it is a sign for me that I am becoming sensitive in those nerves once again. When I find myself trying to read what others want or are going to do so that I know what I feel I should do, then I am living on outside stimulus and not listening to the still quiet voice inside. I am raw and reactionary; I have allowed fear to fester and grow in my life again, or I have been hurt and have not released that pain and anger, haven’t forgiven, have held on to that resentment.


If the condition worsens, I will lose all ability to make any choices for myself. Every choice I make, each path I start down, will be a reaction to something outside of me. I know. I’ve done it too many times. I lived my life like that for far too many years. I turned myself into a puppet controlled by others, even if I did the opposite of what they wanted every time, my actions were still determined by my perceptions of someone else’s thoughts, feelings, desires, etc. But when I release those resentments, rid myself of fear, turn my will and path over to my God and then trust said God to guide, protect and accompany me, then those nerves are soothed. The pain fades. The air on my skin feels good again. I can be comfortable enough to be still so that I can hear myself think, so that I can hear God. Then my actions are controlled from the inside, and whatever comes, because good and bad come to us all in this life,. Then I can remain happy, joyous and free, content in and comforted by the light of the Spirit.