Shadows

I should be asleep. I want to be asleep. I need rest so badly. I feel as though I haven’t slept in a week, and considering that I have only had about 12 hours of sleep in the last four days, that’s a lot closer to the truth than I care to admit. I’m not twenty anymore, and I simply do not hold up well going on and on like the blasted Energizer Bunny. Especially since I no longer engage in the use of chemicals to aid in such craziness.

It’s been such a horrible and devastating and long and draining week. As if I needed any, I received not one but two reminders in three days that addiction is deadly. A very good friend of mine lost his fight with this beast early this week. I went to his visitation at the funeral home tonight, and I can’t tell you much I felt like I had stumbled in to a bad Twilight Zone episode. It just doesn’t feel real. It damn sure doesn’t feel right. No, all is not right with the world tonight. Telling the girl my friend loved that she’d never see him alive again broke my heart. I have been told I helped her as she received that horrible news, but I don’t feel like I did. I felt so helpless and powerless to do anything that would make it right. Because that just can’t be made right.

And one was never enough with my drinking and drugging, so it shouldn’t surprise me that it didn’t stop with one when it came to the addiction monster taking lives from me. Yesterday, I found out that an old friend of mine, something of an ex actually as we had hooked up a few times and partied together many, overdosed and died. His funeral is coming. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle this. It’s too much too soon too close together.

I feel my world has been spun and tipped over and shaken. It’s like fate picked up the snow globe of my life and gave it a good shake to see what would happen. As my life splits into pieces and I see everything spiraling out of control I imagine a twisted fate fairy watching the scene and going, “Cool.” I just need a break. I can’t take much more of this.

I have a song running through my head that just won’t go away. It ends with a prayer that is my prayer, because this is so how I feel right now. Hurt, scared, confused, afraid, angry, scared, determined, afraid…..

“Shadows” performed by Rez Band, written by Glenn Kaiser

…You, you chased the shadows because your hopes and dreams have been lost to the night…

Johnny's dead and buried now out on the edge of town
Drove by his grave the other day, that's when the fear came down
I hate the night that took his life, but now it's haunting me
I may be young, may be confused but I gotta be free

God, are You there, can You hear me now?
Show me how to hope
Lost in the dark on a dead end road, please save me from myself

Lord, You, You took the shadows - all my fears and doubt and brought me out of the night
Lord, You , You take the shadows - give me hope and love and turn my darkness to light


That's the part of the song that I was talking about, but the whole thing speaks to me. If you want to give it a listen here's a link...Shadows by Rez Band