Thursday, October 29, 2009

A conversation with God

The world outside is wet and grey. Isn’t it nifty when things match? I sit alone in this smoky room where I am reminded that the bottle is not my friend and that my life is much better than it was, despite the fact I can’t see past the rain in my life at the moment. Directly across from me the slogans encourage me, mock me, help me, frustrate me. I am a yo-yo.

Live and let live…would someone give me a chance? It’s not about you, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you self-centered twit you’ve been given more than simply a chance. You’ve been given a life.

Easy does it….doesn’t feel easy. I feel as though I’m being crushed. Well, you’re not, so chill and stop trying to force square pegs in round holes. So make the holes square so I can do this. That’s not how it works, not what that means. Wait.

But for the grace of God….you’re joking right? You have to be joking. I don’t see any grace here. That’s because you’re so frustrated and determined not to see beyond the pain you presently feel. Remember those three legs of the table of your life you claimed to be so grateful for 15 hours ago? You didn’t have any of them a year ago. Where do you think they came from? Did you earn them? Grace. An unearned gift. And you’re sitting here angry and making snide remarks to Me, and I don’t mind, really I understand, but you’re doing that in a safe place I gave you a year ago instead of being half-way to passed out. Once again…Grace.

Think think think….I’m tired of thinking. I think too much. No, not twist in your head. Think. Whatsoever things are good, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are lovely and of good report, think on these things. That’s denial. That’s a change in perspective.

First things first…I’m so frustrated, confused and afraid that I can’t figure out the first thing I need to do. You’re doing it. So what’s next? Didn’t someone already ask you to sit down and talk to him this evening before you keep trying to force things? Yes. Why don’t you set it all aside and wait until then and avail yourself of the objective viewpoint I sent you? Because I don’t want to. Why not? Because I don’t. When you figure out why that is, you’ll be closer to where you need to be and a respite from the pain.

But I’m angry. I’m angry that I’m angry. And I feel foolish. You’re not foolish, you’re hurting. And it’s ok to be angry if your anger brings you to Me and is a tool to make you look at yourself and what is wrong. It’s only when you hang on to it that it turns to poison, when it is used as fuel to excuse striking out and hurting others or yourself. When it drives you from Me and towards the desperate need for oblivion. If it makes you talk to Me, even if only to scream about how you feel or curse the rain, it’s ok…as long as after you’ve worn yourself out screaming and cursing you crawl into my lap, let me hold you, and listen as I tell you how to heal the inside. Worry about the outside, the circumstances, later. There’s no use painting the vase before it will hold water.

But I am afraid. I know. And that is why I am here. Now listen closely as I tell you the secret. You ready? Please. PEACE BE STILL.

No comments:

Post a Comment