In January I celebrated my one year anniversary of my marriage to Leah. That's a blessing. Sometimes I still can't imagine how I got so blessed. This is most certainly an amazing testimonial of God's grace in my life, because I had certainly not done anything to earn or deserve such a perfect match for me or a good relationship at all, much less a second chance to be a husband. Leah is amazing, and the almost three years we've been together has been so wonderful. I look forward to celebrating our second year anniversary next month.
In January I lost two special people in my life, Derrin Montrose and Crystal Rose. Leah and I still feel that loss almost a year later.
February is normally a hard month for me, and one that in my drinking and using days my intake of mind altering substances usually at least doubled. This year had the added pain of Crystal's birthday so landing so quickly after we lost her. But in many ways this was the easiest February I've had in over 20 years, and I made it through without having to fight the desire to drink or drug.
In March, I turned 41, and I actually see that as a good thing. I never expected to live this long, and those that know my story know that it is a miracle of God that I have. More than that though, I never expected to be glad to have lived that long, if by some miracle I did. For years I hated my birthday because I hated my life. Today I have a life worth living and can celebrate the day of my birth instead of seeing it as a curse. I am so grateful for that.
Sometimes it's easy to feel sorry for myself when I think about April. Leah's birthday was in April, and I wasn't able to get her what I wanted to for her birthday or do any of the special things that I imagined would be nice to do. We simply didn't have the money, which served as an excellent diving board into the pool of self pity, since my contribution at this point was as "house husband" or "domestic engineer" and I hadn't brought any income to the table in a while. But that is me feeling sorry for myself or angry at the wreckage of my past. Leah appreciates what I contribute to our home. And she and I had a good time together celebrating her birthday. I know that I need to continue to work on determining my value based on what God says about me and not on how I perceive the world or society would determine my worth, or by money, or not on my past.
In May I celebrated my two-year sobriety anniversary. The longest period before was 15 months. In May I extended my previous record by nine months and celebrated being clean and sober for the longest time period since I was 13 years old. On top of that, the days and months following two years continued to be smooth and fight free when it came to the obsession to drink or drug, or rather the lack of it. I am grateful.
In June, the Hell Razer chapter NRR made it's first recovery run. A simple little ride with some friends to a meeting about an hour and a half from home. It turned out to be a God-thing. Their speaker for the night didn't show, and the guy who rode with us ended up speaking and sharing his 20 plus years of recovery experience, strength and hope. I am so grateful to have been able to experience God working in such a way.
In July Jesse Rayne came into our, mine and Leah's, life. This was somewhat a silver lining of losing Derrin and Crystal, as we never would have met Jesse had the other not happened. Jesse has been a real blessing to me and Leah and become one of my best friends. I am grateful for him.
In August I wrecked my motorcycle when a college student pulled into my lane on a wet weekday afternoon. There's one that could have easily been a serious negative for the year but really wasn't. I walked away from the wreck. Ok, I rode away in an ambulance, but after some cat scans and x-rays, I walked out of the ER a few hours after the wreck. That's good enough for me. I received no serious injuries in the wreck, and I am grateful to God for that. This wreck turned out to be a blessing in and of itself as the CT Scans showed some spots on my lymph nodes. That caused some fear and anxiety as one might expect, but it reminded me to rely on God. I didn't feel the need to escape or change my reality. I didn't figure I was dying so might as well burn out. In other words, I handled this baffling situation in a way totally opposite to the way I had always reacted in the past. God's miracle working power continued to be demonstrated. Several months earlier I had admitted in a meeting that I didn't know if I could stay sober facing a life threatening illness such as cancer. In August and the following month and a half I had to face the very real possibility that I would find out. My program didn't fall apart, and God remained faithful.
In September God made a way for me to have the treatment I needed. Leah and I met with the Thoracic surgeon and scheduled the biopsy for early October. That brought new fear as I hate going under anesthesia. But once more God was faithful. I felt peace instead of fear the morning of the surgery. Everything went well, and a week later I learned that I had received grace once more. I didn't have cancer. The disease that was causing the problem in my lymph nodes was not life threatening if treated, and it is treatable. Thank you God.
Suddenly I felt even more grateful that I hadn't thrown my recovery away in valley of the shadow. The light revealed that death would have to wait a while. Had I returned to my drinking and using only God knows if I would have survived another relapse.
In November I celebrated my fifth Thanksgiving since prison and my third with Leah. Reviewing the previous few months I had plenty to be Thankful for. Leah and I learned that her son and his wife are going to have a baby and saw the first sonogram of our grandchild due in June. Hell Razer NRR participated in the local Gypsy MC Toys For Tots Drive and helped that worthy cause.
Suddenly Christmas was upon us. I survived yet another apocalypse, and fared much better than I did the last one I survived. I got to see both my brothers and their families. Things came together just right for Leah and I to be able to see her son and his wife. We didn't get to see her daughter this year, but Leah did get to talk/text with her. I had the blessing of being hired to shoot not just one but two weddings this month. Through the blessing of Facebook I learned that my nephew had to have emergency surgery this morning to remove his appendix and that the surgery went well.
For ever horrible, scary or bad thing that happened during the past twelve months, I can easily see God' hand in giving Leah the grace and strength to go through it. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for my life with Leah. I am grateful for my recovery and how it stood the test of some pretty serious trials this past year.
I am not one who makes resolutions. The victory I have had in my life and in my recovery is not my own. It is proof that there is a God and that He has power that I do not posses. Everything that I determine to do on my own or in my own strength is pretty much a set up for failure. But I do have some goals for 2013. I hope to grow even closer in relationship with my Heavenly Father. I hope that whether 2013 is great or horrible or the mixed bag that most years are, my program will remain strong because my conscious contact with my Creator will not be broken.
I hope to write more frequently and regularly. I hope to ride more and worry less. I hope to use my camera more in creative and artistic ways and also with the result of contributing more financially to my family.
I hope to share my experience, strength and hope more and to help others who suffer the way I used to suffer to recover from alcoholism and addiction. I hope to be less critical and more loving. I look forward to becoming a grandfather and hope to be a better husband, son, brother and friend than I have been. I hope to continue working the spiritual program of recovery in my life so that these things that I hope for have a chance of coming true. Basically I have hope for 2013, and that is also a miracle because I am grateful for the hope I have today and four years ago hope was near the very top of my fears list.
Thank you God for the miracles and progress in my life over the past four years and especially over the past 12 months. I am grateful that I know that the good in my life comes from you and that I haven't earned it, because that frees me from the weight of having to earn its continuance. I am grateful that You have begun this good work in me and that You will be faithful and are able to complete that work. Thank you from freedom from fear of the future and from having to measure up. Thank you for 2012, the good and the bad, and for the chance to see what 2013 will bring. My I be faithful to calling with which I have been called and may I do Your will always. Amen.
