Still In Need Of A Savior

This morning I got up and read a few different things as part of my morning meditations, including a new to me blog on recovery that focused on morning actions. The entry hit my where I've been living. In fact, I spoke on the subject to the man I am working with slash for yesterday and found out that we share similar views and opinions.

One of my character defects is that I am an illogical idiot. OK, that's not rigorous honesty and a bit generalized, but it's how I feel sometimes. It's somewhat how I've been feeling this week, which has been wonderful in many ways, but quite difficult in others. The reason for the difficulty is one of the many ways that I make absolutely no sense, even to myself.

I know from past experience that if I get up about an hour or so before I have to leave in the morning, go outside and smoke my pipe while enjoying the beauty of God's morning nature show and spend some time in prayer and praise and meditation before I do anything else that I feel better throughout my day. When I do this, my attitude toward people, work, life in general is better. When I do this, it is easier for me to go through the day conscious of living in such a way that my life and will has been turned over to the care of God, and things just don't get to me as much as otherwise.

On the other hand, when I sleep in and just get up and go at the last minute, I actually feel less rested. In fact, I usually feel rushed the rest of the day. My attitude regresses to at least partly self-will run riot and I find myself overly critical of others and sensitive throughout the day. Basically when I don't start my day with God and serenity, I have a much harder time finding those connections later as the day goes on.

And yet, all week long I found myself practicing my character defect of laziness and being a sluggard and hitting that blasted snooze button. I averaged about nine snooze resets a morning rather than getting up. I barely made it to work on time. While I prayed and praised on the ride to work, those ten minutes (feeling rushed and late at the time) just aren't the same as relaxing at home with God. I'd find myself griping more and fighting with circumstances and inanimate objects. I'd have to constantly check myself for the answer to whose will was I running on, God's or mine, and then having to adjust to try to get back to where I needed to be. I want to run of God's will, not mine, but when I rush through my morning and exercise my will not to get up and start my day the way that I know I need to in order to fuel up for the day spiritually, I am starting from the hole. For one thing, it's hard to stay in God's will for the day when the first 30 minutes to an hour are spent fighting it. Then I would say to myself, you know better and you know why you feel this way, tomorrow you need to get up and start your day right. The next day? I hit the snooze button repeatedly.

How messed up is that? I want my day to go the way it does when I start it off with God. When I get up and spend that time with my Creator, I love it. I enjoy that time so much and enjoy my day better. Time and time again, experienced has shown this to be true. And yet, when that alarm goes off, my self will rises from the grave and says, "No, I don't want to get up yet, I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything but lay here and feel sorry for myself because of how stiff and sore I feel and dread how worse I'll feel at work." Never mind that getting up and working actually erase the soreness much more quickly than laying in bed thinking about it and feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity has never actually brought me relief in any area, still I love to pull it out and try it over and over again.

SO why do I struggle so much with this? Because I am a selfish and self centered man who is much less so than in the past, but still not even close to the perfect death to self required to truly be like Him who lived His life truly and completely surrendered to the will of the Father. Paul put it this way, "That which I would do I do not, and that which I would not do, that I do." Basically, I am still am man in need of a savior. The key lies in being willing to see those areas and work the seventh step when I do, praying and meaning "God, I am willing that you now have all of me, the good and the bad. Remove from me every defect of character (every area of self will in my life) that would keep me from being of service to You and others. May I do Your will always." Then I have to get out of the way and let God direct my day and not my feelings. Today, I got up, even though I didn't have to work. I started my day the way I know is better, even though my feelings still said, "c'mon I just want to stay in bed a while longer. And already I feel better. The last day of the week has started better than the others. Progress.